I Could Not Have Both Dreams and Love

June 9, 2014

I consider myself a really high energy, easygoing person. I am high energy because I thrive on being busy and go-go-go. I am easygoing because I am outgoing, friendly, flexible, and easy to please. Sometimes I keep myself so busy that every once in a while, I burn out. That is just how I am; I have come to terms with that. Not every affliction a person has is meant to be fixed. I go, go, go until exhaustion hits me in the face. Sometimes by doing that, I feel like I suppress feelings that I want to ignore, or forget. That works temporarily, but when those feelings comes to surface, it's usually really, really bad. 

That what I feel right now. My mind is all over the place. It's hard to properly gather my thoughts. I am writing this post on Sunday night. I have the windows open, and my phone and TV off. I am forcing myself to sit here, be alone, quiet, and acknowledge my feelings. I select that "new post" button to try to get my feelings out, understand, and find the solution on how to make my situation better. 
This one is really tough.

It has been over 7 months since I basically "started over". A new job, a new home, and a new weight loss journey. It feels like I have stood in the middle of a tornado blindly watching the immense and significant changes that have transpired throughout those months. I have to admit, they have all been wonderful and positive, but hard. 

Exactly a month ago, I wrote about "loneliness, hard work, and giving thanks". I guess one could say this is a follow up post to that, because I still heavily have to coach myself on that pain. A lot of times, I do not feel strong enough... it is a slow process. It is slower than weight loss, and actually harder -- which I never thought I would say. 

I enjoy being alone. I am a natural extrovert, but being alone has always been appealing to me. I like gathering my thoughts and resting my mind. Both of those I enjoy most when I am alone. However, when your heart has a monumental void and ache, being alone is a little different. Well, at least in my case. Maybe not for some people. I have made the most of the past 7 months with being alone and away from my prior partner... a man who has been such a significant part of my life. I never knew a person could go through so much with another person, or become  so deeply close. The type of close to someone, they feel as if they are part of you. Like you aren't whole anymore, unless you're with them. I never knew any of that existed until that relationship. In retrospect, I have never been a "relationship" type of girl (romantically). I have just been kind of free; "like the wind", I have heard. That changed dramatically when that relationship ensued. 

Two and half years later after the best times in my life, the most beautiful memories, the most horrible fighting, the biggest laughs, the sweetest moments, the most engrossed passion, and the most unbelievable pain, it all ended.

Just like that.

The person who you woke up beside everyday replaces your side of the bed. Your best friend becomes a complete stranger. The person who knows your deepest secrets, desires, fears, and dreams now knows nothing. The hardest part of all is when someone asks "Why did it happen?". There is no solid, real answer. It just did not work. That is very, very hard to accept. The only thing harder than losing him, was staying with him. The worst and the best are right beside of each other with an inconceivably thin line in between. That is so hard to get over, I am struggling so much with that.  

I try to ignore it because there is nothing no one can do to make it better. It just takes time - we have all heard that before. That is what I keep believing so that is why I keep going. Though sometimes my heart becomes unbearably full of the emptiness and void, that I crash.  

Sunday was one of those days. It's hard when you have to face the person I listed above, everyday because of a mutual hobby and passion. If you want to talk about pain, that's it. It is kind of like needing to lose 100 pounds and having to look, smell, and be close to cake everyday. It's like something is so physically close, but so untouchable and far. Yesterday, the feelings that I normally hold in so well, came to surface, and it was very hard. That kind of hard where you literally cannot breathe. Your heart is pounding out of your chest, your lips are going numb and tingly, your nose is running, and eyes crying so hard it feels as if your blood is coming through them. If  I was not internally screaming at myself to calm the hell down, I would have fainted. I believe the official term for that is a panic attack. 

That pain and hurt drains me. It drains the life and the passion out of me. I always try to work so hard at my job, my blog, eating clean - always have meals prepped, push myself everyday at the gym, be a good daughter to my sick parents and chaotic family, be a good friend to the people I cherish most, take care of all of life's needs that come with living alone; and it just gets exhausting, and so hard to do when you are not in a positive and happy mindset. That is why I suppress the pain of that love. That is why I rarely ever speak of it. I try to never talk about it to anyone anymore. No one can change it and it is not their burden to bear. 

When this pain I am writing about does come to surface, it single-handedly makes me doubt everything I am working for. It makes me think my body will never be where I want it to be physically. It makes me think I will never grow my blog, my story, and my passion to where I want it to be. It makes me think I will never become more than what I am. This pain makes me want to stop working and go back to the way life used to be before I started chasing my dreams. Because I feel like that is the only way to get my heart rest. He dislikes the requirements that come with what I want out of life, so if I give it all up, I can go back to the way we were. I want my heart to be light, I want to feel that warmth again.  

Thankfully, my mind has grown stronger than that over the past 7 months, and I know that I would never do that. I am a spiritual person, and I have a personal relationship with God. When I pray to him about this relationship and this pain, I kind of feel him saying "Liz, you need to make up your mind,. You have two demanding lives that you want, both of which cannot be done together (at this time). You have these dreams that you feel are meant for you, and they require sacrifices; love being one of them because they are selfish and require immense dedication." The stipulation about chasing your dreams, especially when they are undeniably hard and competitive is that they may never come true. 

Right now, I'm walking, slowly, up a very steep mountain with multiple forks in the road. I feel the weight of the world on my back and a heavy heart in my chest. 

I have rambled on, getting these thoughts out of my head and heart, so I can release this negative energy and try and move on from it. It is a slow process. It has been over half of a year and I am still really hurting. But I believe it will get better. To me, life is not worth living if it does not have faith. I am going to keep believing that today will be a great day, and tomorrow will be even better. That my hard work today, will pay off tomorrow. That one day I am going to look back and say "I am so glad I did not give up". I am going to acknowledge any pain I encounter, not suppress it. I am going to believe that hard work and faith will pay off in the way that it should be, even if I can't see it yet. 

Most importantly, I am letting go of  how life was. I have got to let go of the past . I have got to stop holding on. I am letting go of what I thought my life was going to be and accepting how it is now. I am going to take life one day at a time, work as hard as I can, and make the most of it. Hopefully, and optimistically, I believe that the life that is meant to be will come. I am going to slow down, and focus on what I can do today to make myself happy and successful. This way I am not so overwhelmed and stretched.

I now realize that I have been using the thought of what my life could be one day, to ignore the pain that I feel right now. That is why I heavily throw myself into work sometimes and become so exhausted. Then I realized, what if I never have "one day". What if I only have today?

I believe and will preach until the day I die on how essential dreams and goals are. But I also need to work on remembering, those are worth nothing if I am not present in today. I need to stop using "one day" as my happiness and remember the blessings that I have in life today. 

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  1. <3, thoughts and prayers sweet friend :)!

  2. Fantastic lady. As hard as these words were to write, it is the main reason I read blogs....to understand who people are below the "fun" surface. Bloggers who only write about fun and perfection are lying to me and themselves. Being real rocks the house. Rock on lady.

  3. This post..
    Good for you.. you see it.. you see that unless you can find happiness NOW, that the future happiness is all for naught.

    Find joy... in anything.
    Some days, I found Joy in the lyrics of a song, that seemed to be written just for me!
    Other days, it was when some stranger in the grocery store smiled at me.
    Or if I let someone merge in front of me.

    Find little joys and turn them into BIG joys...

    Keep moving forward dear one, you are amazing.. you are a force to be reckoned with.. and Everything is on the up and up for you.

    It's a hard climb.. but the view from the top, has nothing on the beauty you find during the climb!

  4. You write so well, I can almost feel your pain! Sending hugs and well wishes your way! xx

  5. Now this is a real post! You my friend, are a special breed. I hear you and am thinking of you!

  6. sometimes you just have to let it all out before you can hit refresh and come at life even harder. sounds like sunday was one of those days. chin up lady.

  7. It's so hard to be caught close to something with a very fine line between two sides.

    I did not know you saw him daily. That's really hard.

    Hang in there Liz.

  8. What a beautifully written soul cleansing post!

  9. Goose Bumps! So many goose bumps!!

    You are a wonderful writer and a fabulous human being.

    I have been there before, not with a relationship, but with a friendship. something I talked about almost every day on my old blog..those posts were all about learning to let go of the past and to move on. Moving on is not easy. It never will be and thats a hard pill to swallow. But, we do it anyways. We somehow learn to pick ourselves up off the ground and find a place that makes us happy. This place can be a new home, new job, new hair style, a new running route. etc. But, we find that place never the less. And although it's scary to be in a place that's so different then our comfort zone, we make it work and eventually it makes us happy and whole again. This is all something I've had to learn over the last 2 years. And, it's a great feeling. It doesn't mean the "I'm going to throw up" feelings will ever go away, it just makes those "I have to see this person" today feelings not so up in your face. Eventually you won't even flinch.

    Keep it up girl! You got this!

    -Ashlee Michelle

  10. Ahhhhh this post, Sigh so many things I can relate to in the rel department (Im newly single after a long relationship). Moving on is so tough. :( The only thing I can say is hng in there girl. You got this. You are also doing a wonderful (and better job than I am) at showing him you have yourself in mind by working out and getting fit! Love this post!

  11. Wow I teared up reading that. The amount of love and passion I have for my boyfriend scares me...Im scared of everything you just wrote in this post. I feel very vulnerable because of the feelings I have towards him. I was married to someone else for 7 years and never felt the way I feel with Mike. Im terrified of that being ripped from me and returning to where I was a year ago. I hope this gets easier for you girl and I hope all your dreams come true! xoxo

  12. Oh gosh, Liz! I can't imagine seeing him all the time. I had no clue you had to see him all the time?!

    I know that you are destined for great things. I believe that in order to succeed, we must surround ourselves with positive people that look out for our true happiness. Sometimes it is hard to let go of those that don't feel the same. You are such a strong, amazing woman. I know that you will continue to hold your head up high and keep fighting! Xoxo

  13. Not that this is something you wanna hear right now but I've been where you've been so I understand. I've also since found a good man who supports my dreams. The past relationship that I thought was so huge was really insignificant when you find the right person. The right person doesn't make you choose between love and dreams, they're right beside you on your journey. It gets better :)

  14. Blagh, I know how you feel. but I <3 you. Thinking of you

  15. Thank you for sharing this post. I was in a similar situation and it was most definitely one of the toughest things I had ever gone through...how within just a moment your entire life changes and everything you knew and had planned for your future is no longer the same.

    Hang in there girl...it will definitely get better...a person who truly loves and cares about you will allow you to have your dreams and love. Sending hugs your way! 😊

  16. I've been there before... minus the seeing him every day part - I can't even imagine adding that on top of the "normal" pain. :/ I'm sorry girl. BIG HUGS to you!

  17. Don't give up on your goals and dreams. I know that sometimes seems like the easier thing to do and well all have our bad days where we just want to give up. And say screw out progress. I've had days like this myself where I sit and wonder what the point really is. Why do I work so hard and nothing seems to come from it. But, what we don't realize is that something is happening and coming from it. we just can't see it yet. But, in time we will and our hard work will pay off. It seems like your hard work already is paying off in many ways.

    I was with my ex for 9 years. We where engaged and I could have never imagined my life without him. It has been three years since I've been alone. somedays I want to run back to him in the comfort of his arms. It makes it hard because we talk on and off and he still wants me back. Sometimes I think it would be nice to go back to the way things where but then I remember how even though we had some amazing times we also had a lot of terrible times. More bad then good. The good moments where sweet but the bad moments where very bitter and angry. I realize going back to that would not help me it will only hinder me. It is okay to long for something but don't go back to something that is not healthy for you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

  18. Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us at the Be.You.Tiful Link Party! We hope to see you again!

  19. Right in the gut. I know how you feel. The hardest part for me was simply realizing that happiness in the long run didn't always mean happiness in the short term. But it looks like you've already got that down. I think you're definitely on the up and up part now. Ever day it gets a bit easier even if you don't notice it each day. One day you'll look back and see all the results from your sacrifice and you'll be over the moon happy about all the choices you made. We're all rooting for you!! :)

  20. thank you for your honesty. thank you for your vulnerability. just thank you. it's refreshing to hear someone talk about these things "out loud" because i can relate to so many of them.

  21. My prayers are with you sweet girl! ;)

    God bless,
    XO, Claire

  22. You are not alone in this sweetie! I had been engaged years ago and thought that was the love of my life, even though deep down I knew I was "settling". I broke it off with him and about 2 years later met my husband. I could not even imagine how wonderful this man would be to me! We've been married now for almost 16 years and when I look back I am SO thankful God helpoed me in that decision. it's not easy, but you know its right for you! Hugs...

  23. I completely understand how you're feeling...I've been there before too. Wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but it is true that your heart will heal with time. I can't imagine how hard it must be to see him daily! Is there any way to avoid seeing him?

    The Tiny Heart

  24. This is one of those posts that comes along every once in a while and completely stops you in your tracks.. It's so real, and honest, and vulnerable. You are not alone in your feelings. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to see him every day, and I definitely do not envy you that. But you know what is awesome? The fact that even though you know you'll probably see him, you still get up and do your thing. You don't let it stop you from reaching towards what YOU want and need for yourself.. It takes an incredibly strong person to do that, to power through obstacles like that. And it's completely okay to break down once in a while, to find yourself needing a break, and to take it. That's healthy. Just know, my dear, that you WILL get through this, and everything will turn out all right. Everything works out in the end....and if it hasn't worked out yet, it's not the end. You're amazing. Keep on keeping on, and let me know if I can do anything to help you at all. Xo.

  25. I'm reading this and in tears...this is so close..no this is WHAT I'm going through and you never think that anyone else goes through it. Today would have been my anniversary and I woke up to the calendar reminder and it suuuuucked. A friend of mine told me that I just have to be ok. Have to forge on, make new experiences. Its' not that easy. I started running..lol...the pain from trying to run overtook the suck in my heart.
    Thank you for baring your soul and making you a little bit more real...lol
    *hugs and kisses*

  26. I have been reading your blog for a few months and really enjoy it. But, this takes the cake. I am in the same place as you, but have not had the courage to "move on". I think what hit me the most is this: " The only thing harder than losing him, was staying with him. The worst and the best are right beside of each other with an inconceivably thin line in between." I hope that I can find the strength to move on, to make things better for myself. I have tried several times and it has lasted, at the most, 2 months. But, if I would really put my faith where it needs to be, I think I could do it. I will be praying for you, as I know what this is like. And, thank you! I really needed to read this.

  27. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. It might be time to switch gyms. I had to tell my ex we couldn't be friends because talking to him every now and then was just to hard to move on. You are just re-opening the wound every time you see him or talk to him. Big hugs girl.

  28. You are such a blessing in my life. This just makes my heart break for you. I know the pain you are going through (before the hubby) I was in a relationship for 8 years and it was the hardest thing walking away. Just know that time is your best friend yet worst enemy and Keep your head high because people will kill to see you fail! I know it's a lot easier to tell someone than it is to be in that position but hang in there sweet heart. You got this!! Keep chasing your dreams as I know you will be doing amazing things with your life. I love you!!!

  29. Liz you are such a great writer. Thanks for your honesty and sharing your experiences, I really really appreciate you!

  30. Hang in there!! Sending hugs and love...Lord knows we have all been there...everything gets a little better with time. :-) HUGS!!!!!!!!

  31. I truly believe some wounds never heal. Though time makes the pain livable and eases it slowly. I am happily married now but if I hear a certain name or smell the cologne an ex used to wear I still get weak in the knees and feel the crushing sadness. I also feel exactly this way about my infertility, the mourning and needing to concentrate fully on my career dreams. My heart aches for your loss and your decision on which path to take. Either way you will make the perfect decision for you! And good for you for getting it out and being real. Love it.

  32. This takes a lot of courage to write- thank you for opening up to us!

    I truly believe (and preach to all my friends/family) that you truly have to find yourself before you can even begin being with someone else, and knowing them. It sounds like you are finding yourself, the person you want to be, the person inside of you that drives you, and when you least expect it, something great will happen that fits with exactly the person you are!

  33. Wow, what a great post. Good for you for opening up so much. I hope that was a great release for you. You are strong and will move on.

  34. I want to say what a great post this is, but I'm not sure how it would come off. You know? It's always so relieving to be able to open up about something that is weighing so heavily on our shoulders. I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been going through, though I can imagine that it has been though. I wouldn't say that what you are going through is a burden you should take care of by yourself, that's what friends are for - to help lighten the load. We all go through rough patches and sometimes we need that extra hand, or whisper, that says everything will be okay. I couldn't agree more with living in "today". That is one thing I have been working on lately - only worrying about today. Thank you for opening up to us ♥

  35. oh honey! you are so strong and beyond awesome. i get you on the being alone and being an extrovert, and unfortunately we've all been there with the heartbreak thing but damn girl seeing him every day? you're stronger than me for sure. i was a mess when my husband and i broke up and we were on opposite sides of the world. i dont even know if i ever would have been ok if we didnt get back together. maybe ok, but not great. anyway, rambling. you are awesome and strong and beautiful inside and out and we all love you bunches! xoxoxo


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