I Could Not Have Both Dreams and Love

I consider myself a really high energy, easygoing person. I am high energy because I thrive on being busy and go-go-go. I am easygoing because I am outgoing, friendly, flexible, and easy to please. Sometimes I keep myself so busy that every once in a while, I burn out. That is just how I am; I have come to terms with that. Not every affliction a person has is meant to be fixed. I go, go, go until exhaustion hits me in the face. Sometimes by doing that, I feel like I suppress feelings that I want to ignore, or forget. That works temporarily, but when those feelings comes to surface, it's usually really, really bad. 
That what I feel right now. My mind is all over the place. It's hard to properly gather my thoughts. I am writing this post on Sunday night. I have the windows open, and my phone and TV off. I am forcing myself to sit here, be alone, quiet, and acknowledge my feelings. I select that "new post" button to try to get my feelings out, understand, and find the solution on how to make my situation better.  This one is really tough.
It has been over 7 months since I basically "started over". A new job, a new home, and a new weight loss journey. It feels like I have stood in the middle of a tornado blindly watching the immense and significant changes that have transpired throughout those months. I have to admit, they have all been wonderful and positive, but hard. 
Exactly a month ago, I wrote about "loneliness, hard work, and giving thanks". I guess one could say this is a follow up post to that, because I still heavily have to coach myself on that pain. A lot of times, I do not feel strong enough... it is a slow process. It is slower than weight loss, and actually harder -- which I never thought I would say. 
I enjoy being alone. I am a natural extrovert, but being alone has always been appealing to me. I like gathering my thoughts and resting my mind. Both of those I enjoy most when I am alone. However, when your heart has a monumental void and ache, being alone is a little different. Well, at least in my case. Maybe not for some people. I have made the most of the past 7 months with being alone and away from my prior partner... a man who has been such a significant part of my life. I never knew a person could go through so much with another person, or become  so deeply close. The type of close to someone, they feel as if they are part of you. Like you aren't whole anymore, unless you're with them. I never knew any of that existed until that relationship. In retrospect, I have never been a "relationship" type of girl (romantically). I have just been kind of free; "like the wind", I have heard. That changed dramatically when that relationship ensued. 
Two and half years later after the best times in my life, the most beautiful memories, the most horrible fighting, the biggest laughs, the sweetest moments, the most engrossed passion, and the most unbelievable pain, it all ended.
Just like that.
The person who you woke up beside everyday replaces your side of the bed. Your best friend becomes a complete stranger. The person who knows your deepest secrets, desires, fears, and dreams now knows nothing. The hardest part of all is when someone asks "Why did it happen?". There is no solid, real answer. It just did not work. That is very, very hard to accept. The only thing harder than losing him, was staying with him. The worst and the best are right beside of each other with an inconceivably thin line in between. That is so hard to get over, I am struggling so much with that.  
I try to ignore it because there is nothing no one can do to make it better. It just takes time - we have all heard that before. That is what I keep believing so that is why I keep going. Though sometimes my heart becomes unbearably full of the emptiness and void, that I crash.  
Sunday was one of those days. It's hard when you have to face the person I listed above, everyday because of a mutual hobby and passion. If you want to talk about pain, that's it. It is kind of like needing to lose 100 pounds and having to look, smell, and be close to cake everyday. It's like something is so physically close, but so untouchable and far. Yesterday, the feelings that I normally hold in so well, came to surface, and it was very hard. That kind of hard where you literally cannot breathe. Your heart is pounding out of your chest, your lips are going numb and tingly, your nose is running, and eyes crying so hard it feels as if your blood is coming through them. If  I was not internally screaming at myself to calm the hell down, I would have fainted. I believe the official term for that is a panic attack. 
That pain and hurt drains me. It drains the life and the passion out of me. I always try to work so hard at my job, my blog, eating clean - always have meals prepped, push myself everyday at the gym, be a good daughter to my sick parents and chaotic family, be a good friend to the people I cherish most, take care of all of life's needs that come with living alone; and it just gets exhausting, and so hard to do when you are not in a positive and happy mindset. That is why I suppress the pain of that love. That is why I rarely ever speak of it. I try to never talk about it to anyone anymore. No one can change it and it is not their burden to bear. 
When this pain I am writing about does come to surface, it single-handedly makes me doubt everything I am working for. It makes me think my body will never be where I want it to be physically. It makes me think I will never grow my blog, my story, and my passion to where I want it to be. It makes me think I will never become more than what I am. This pain makes me want to stop working and go back to the way life used to be before I started chasing my dreams. Because I feel like that is the only way to get my heart rest. He dislikes the requirements that come with what I want out of life, so if I give it all up, I can go back to the way we were. I want my heart to be light, I want to feel that warmth again.  
Thankfully, my mind has grown stronger than that over the past 7 months, and I know that I would never do that. I am a spiritual person, and I have a personal relationship with God. When I pray to him about this relationship and this pain, I kind of feel him saying "Liz, you need to make up your mind,. You have two demanding lives that you want, both of which cannot be done together (at this time). You have these dreams that you feel are meant for you, and they require sacrifices; love being one of them because they are selfish and require immense dedication." The stipulation about chasing your dreams, especially when they are undeniably hard and competitive is that they may never come true. 
Right now, I'm walking, slowly, up a very steep mountain with multiple forks in the road. I feel the weight of the world on my back and a heavy heart in my chest. 
I have rambled on, getting these thoughts out of my head and heart, so I can release this negative energy and try and move on from it. It is a slow process. It has been over half of a year and I am still really hurting. But I believe it will get better. To me, life is not worth living if it does not have faith. I am going to keep believing that today will be a great day, and tomorrow will be even better. That my hard work today, will pay off tomorrow. That one day I am going to look back and say "I am so glad I did not give up". I am going to acknowledge any pain I encounter, not suppress it. I am going to believe that hard work and faith will pay off in the way that it should be, even if I can't see it yet. 
Most importantly, I am letting go of  how life was. I have got to let go of the past . I have got to stop holding on. I am letting go of what I thought my life was going to be and accepting how it is now. I am going to take life one day at a time, work as hard as I can, and make the most of it. Hopefully, and optimistically, I believe that the life that is meant to be will come. I am going to slow down, and focus on what I can do today to make myself happy and successful. This way I am not so overwhelmed and stretched.

I now realize that I have been using the thought of what my life could be one day, to ignore the pain that I feel right now. That is why I heavily throw myself into work sometimes and become so exhausted. Then I realized, what if I never have "one day". What if I only have today?
I believe and will preach until the day I die on how essential dreams and goals are. But I also need to work on remembering, those are worth nothing if I am not present in today. I need to stop using "one day" as my happiness and remember the blessings that I have in life today.