Lost Within Myself

July 1, 2014

How do I write this; how do I even begin?

I have never felt this way in my entire life. I have not been feeling good lately. It is just that simple. I have not been feeling good mentally, emotionally, and physically. I think this is when it started and the pain has grown from there. This is new to me and it is completely out of my character. I'm in a bad, bad place. I felt it coming it for a while and tried to fight it to the best of my ability, but for the past week and half, I have let it engulf me. I am normally very good at hiding it.

I am not a complainer. Every once in a while I write from my heart on here to explain pain or problems going on in my life, or sometimes simply to give thanks and talk about happiness. Writing is my outlet and therapy, and my friends who read this blog really help me get through tough times. I am slightly embarrassed to even write this post, but I am at the point where I can use any prayers or help you may have because I don't know what to do anymore.

I think I finally burned myself out completely. The type of burned out that not just a day of laziness can resolve. This burn out comes within my soul. Am I depressed? I don't know... it feels so weird to even affiliate that word with myself because I try so hard to always solve problems, make things happen, make the best out of life, and be thankful for what I have. But I am not perfect.

I do know that I am exhausted. I'm tired. I'm tired of working so damn much. All of this hard work is not paying off yet. It could (keyword is could) pay off one day, but maybe not. Because of that uncertainty I am constantly self-doubting my ability to achieve success. I am constantly telling myself that I am not going to achieve my dreams. Because some people work their entire life and success never comes. 

I have a multitude of other issues going on that no one wants to hear about and a very, very broken heart. All of these problems combined have been killing me. I can't focus on the positive anymore. I can't really focus on anything. I can't stay optimistic... because for a long time, I did because I believed things would get better, and they really haven't. Actually, nothing has changed. I am just unable to hide anymore. I constantly pray for strength, guidance, and help to get through these hard times, and most of the time I feel abandoned and empty. 

What is most surreal to me the physical symptoms this stress and pain is causing me to have. I am having the worst night sweats, even though I am freezing most of the night. It is literally like the second a negative thought enters my mind, my body starts to go crazy and I sweat like I'm working out at the gym. My hands stay ice cold. My joints are hurting, especially my knees. My RLS has surfaced with a vengeance after months of being controlled. My body aches every single morning when I wake up. Panic attacks come out of nowhere. I stay exhausted. I am always on the verge of tears. I rarely have the strength to text or call anyone back because I have nothing to say. I have nothing to offer. I can't concentrate on anything. This is HELL. I am so damn lonely, even around my friends and family. My heart is so empty and I do not know what to do right now to fix this.  I feel dead inside. This is not me. This is not how I live my life. This is not my personality. 

What I feel right now goes against everything I stand for in life. It goes against helping other men and women learn to love themselves and live the best life possible. It goes again my #BeFearless project. It goes against my book. It goes against everything I am working so hard to build for myself.

Writing this is so hard, but I am the point where I need someone to tell me they have had a heart so broken that it tore their world apart. I need to know that someone out there has been exhausted, and hurt like I am. 

I have had this blog post written and saved for about a week now, but have not wanted to publish it. But somehow, someway, I have got to pull through this, and I am going to remember this moment. I don't know how because I so damn miserable inside and the only time I have peace is when my mind and body are so exhausted that I go numb. Here is where I am right now.