My Desperation for a New Beginning

Back in the early summer my life-- perhaps that is the wrong word to use... my mental and physical health took a detrimental turn for the worse. I was in such a deep depression that took nearly a month to even slightly improve. Slowly but surely, I progress significantly for about a month. August was a content month for me. Unfortunately it was short lived, and at the beginning of September, my depression and anxiety were back and increasing daily.

Last Sunday was probably the worst "episode" I have experienced throughout this whole ordeal. I was in agony the entire day; so damn trapped inside of myself. It felt like my soul was desperately clawing trying to escape my body. I could not stand myself. It was an inner war. I tried to journal and write my feelings to calm myself down. I went to a movie. I took a bubble bath.

Those attempts helped slightly, but the second my head hit the pillow  to go to sleep, my anxiety completely took over and I stayed up the entire night. I tossed and turned, transitioned from the bed to the couch countless times, took 10 mg of melatonin (usually 2 1/2 mg's knocks me out), and nothing worked. By 4:30 in the morning I was sick of it so I took and shower and got ready for work, and was in my office at 5:30 AM. I stayed awake for a day and a half. My sleep has been horrid lately. I have trouble every single night, I toss and turn nonstop, and my leg pain due to RLS has surfaced a lot more than normal.

Aside from last weeks episodes, there have been a plethora of other problems; mainly the same ones I experienced back in June and early July. My skin is awful around my chin and jawline, my moods are so up and down and constantly changing, motivation comes in short bursts and never lasts, concentration is unheard of, and at any given moment, I can lose control of my emotions and cry. Most days I dread getting out of bed and it is all I can do to make it through the day. 

I try to hide these issues to the best of my ability and most days, I do a wonderful job. I do this because no one wants to read a blog from a woman who is miserable. No one wants to be friends with a woman who depressed. Most days I cannot stand me; how could anyone else?

Everyday I feel myself breaking inside; as if a piece of me dies at every moment. I am sick of it. I am so tired of being tortured by my pain. I do not live my life this way; I never have. I am such a positive person who works hard and believes in the beauty of life. I am a person who believes that our destiny is up to us, and what we are willing to do for what we want.

I have worked so hard to make myself live by these philosophies. Ever since I started writing deeply from my heart on this blog nearly a year ago and started my novel, I have wanted nothing more than to grow and live my dreams of writing full time, while simultaneously help other men and women live their happiest and healthiest life. I just want my words to help. However, none of that is even slightly plausible if I keep living my life the way I am now. I am so miserable inside most days now, that writing motivational posts would be a complete lie. That scares me immensely because I do not want to miss out on my dreams-- I do not want to miss opportunities. I am terrified that I am going to lose everything I have been trying so hard to accomplish for myself because of how sad I have been.

My weight loss has been stagnant for a little over 2 months because of all of this and that admittedly makes this entire thing worse. Most of my pain is from my breakup 11 months ago with my doormat weight loss journey closely trailing.

It is embarrassing for me to admit that I am hurting so extremely over a breakup that happened nearly a year ago. However, what I went through with him for 2 1/2 years is indescribable. I felt everything with him. I went through so many intense and personal things with this person. I finally knew what people meant by feeling like one with someone you love. I had never given my heart to someone until I was 21 years old and went on my first date with him. I still remember that night like it happened yesterday; the weather. the outfits. the atmosphere. the smells. 

The worst part is that I did not leave because I wanted too. I left because I had too. That may not make any sense, but it was a situation where the relationship had gotten so bad, but neither one of us could let go. Just because our relationship had gotten so bad, the love was still there and we were both so desperately clinging to it. I worked until I bled to try and make it last; always compromising, being supportive, adoring him, putting forth every effort I could, and I did it alone. It was never good enough either.

After the breakup, I spent months having my heart thrown around like trash; which is partly my fault because I allowed it. He quickly moved on to a new relationship, but after that ended, the empty promises and constant hope and let down cycle continued. There is no other way to describe being put through that by someone you love, cherish, and adore, other than burning in the flames of hell. I have never crashed and burned so much in my life. Overtime even that slowed down. Not completely, but significantly-- enough to where I was wise enough to realize the comments were not real, but a condiluted statement from consuming a mind altering substance. That did not make any hurt any less though.

Now I understand he does not love me anymore. He does not want me. All of our memories, all of our plans, and everything we built together-- two and a half years are gone. It is desperately time for me to realize this and move on. It is just unbelievably hard for me to accept because I decided that once I gave my heart to someone, I would do anything possible to make it work; and I did. I tried so damn hard. After all of the horrendous examples of love and marriage I have witnessed throughout my life, I was going to take my relationship just as serious as my health and my career. But it takes two. I could not do it alone.

In true Liz Taylor, Fitness Blondie fashion, I am not going to write about my pain and invite everyone to my pity party without a plan of action.

There is one thing I have needed to do for a long time, but it breaks my heart to do it.

I am leaving my gym.

One is maybe scratching their head after that statement not understanding why that is a big deal, but with fitness being the biggest passion of my life, my gym means so much to me. For 4 years, I have been to that place 5-6 days a week. I love my gym. It is home to me. Home is where the heart is, and that gym is my home.

Since I moved to Charlotte 4 1/2 years ago, it is the one place that has been my rock. I remember when that gym was nothing but a concrete foundation. I watched it turn from nothing to a 3-story fitness facility, as I lived right beside of it. I joined there before it opened and I was there training the day it did. I worked there for 6 months. I made tons and tons of friends. I met my ex there. Even the worst of days improved to me when I stepped into that place. I lost myself there. I discovered myself there. I lost 65 pounds there. That gym means so damn much to me, and yesterday I had to let go. Though it is right beside of my apartment - across the parking lot and I am in a contract, I cancelled my membership.

The reason is because since my breakup nearly a year ago, I have had to see my ex almost every single day. I have had to see a person who I used to sleep beside of every night pretend like I do not exist... and like he could not care less. I tried to stay strong; but I can't. It has eaten away at my soul and my joy more than I ever thought possible. I have cried during my workouts more times than I care to admit, Saturday at the gym I lost it so bad that it carried on the rest of the day and throughout my evening out, I knew I was reaching a breaking point and I had to make this change. I know he would never leave the gym because he loves it so much, nor would I want him too.

The positive side to leaving my gym is I am going to be adding a lot more variety to my training ;which I think will really kick start my weight loss again. I only have 30 more pounds to go. I bought a two week pass to a boxing facility; once that expires, I have a two week pass for hot yoga, I am trying a Pure Barre class, I am going to continue hiking, jog more on the beautiful greenway behind my home, and do my "Hot Mess Express" workout more - that plyometric, full body workout, works me harder than anything. Luckily, the gym at my apartment is very nice and I will do my weight circuits there until I decide on a new gym to lift.

I hope-- I desperately hope implementing those changes will help me get over the bulk of my anxiety and depression. There are still quite a few other issues going on in my life, but I feel if I can get over this pain and heartache, my mind and emotional state will improve significantly which will give me the strength to get through the other problems.

I desperately want a new beginning. I want to feel free again. I want to feel like myself. My heart has been in chains for so long. I need strength to keep pursuing my dreams, I need hope, I need joy. I need faith. I am so low in all of those essential feelings. Back in the summer when I wrote the post "Lost Within Myself", so many of you sent the most heartfelt and inspirational stories about moving on from heartache. They helped me a lot, and I pray that one day I will the same story to tell the world. I want to pull through this and be a better and stronger woman that I ever felt possible. Right now it feels like I am going to sulk in this sorrow for the rest of my days. I feel like such a broken person. It is time for me to once a for all move on and close this chapter.

"If don't catch my breath,  I may never breathe again,  so just know this:
I've never been so torn up in all of my life,  I can't believe I let myself break down.
I've never been so torn up in all of my life, I should have seen this coming. I've never felt so hopeless, Than I do tonight. I don't wanna do this anymore...
I've never been so torn up in all of my life, I should have seen this coming. I've never felt so hopeless, Than I do tonight. No I don't wanna do this anymore, I'm moving on."

The Day I Stopped Being Jealous of (and Started Supporting) Women

Women are inclined socially at a young age to be pinned against one another. History proves this and the future looks to be the same; especially with social media and bullying in schools. As my blog grows and as I grow as person, I feel it is my responsibility to try and make the world a better place. How philosophical of me, right? However, if there is one issue I am just as passionate about like I am with fitness, it is women empowerment. 

I decided to break this post down into two different parts. Today I want to write about jealously and learning to love our physical appearance. I am not a jealous person.  

It has not always been like though. When I was growing up, every girl was prettier than me. Every girl was cooler. Every girl was more fashionable. Every girl was funnier. Every girl was smarter. I did not have any self confidence in myself. I hid behind my abnormally large sweaters, pants, and glasses. I would get teased about my looks, especially by girls. It depleted any ounce of confidence that I was able to develop. 

When I began high school, that is when I started to experiment with makeup, styling my hair, and putting together pretty outfits. My fashion choices were not standard for my high school though. This resulted in intense bullying; not just because of my fashion choices and looks-- but my weight.

Because my childhood was plagued with so much pain from my peers and a family member, I developed a sense of compassion and empathy for others much sooner than people my age. Unfortunately, that compassion did not eliminate the jealously that was living inside of me and often dominated my emotions. 

I constantly tried to change who I was -- that happens to a lot us, especially during high school. It is undoubtedly an exhausting growing period for us all. I was no exception, and going through this took its toll on me. Because I did not like what I looked like... it made me hate who I was as a person. Consequently I would take my anger out on people I secretly admired. My insecurities were taken out on women I thought were prettier and better than me. 

Whether one admits it or not, it is absolutely true that most of the time when someone is putting down another person or "hating" on them for something petty and juvenile, it is because they are  insecure and trying to feel better about themselves.

As I started to grow up, I realized that jealously was such a deeply negative, disgusting emotion that I wanted no part of. It brings out the worst in people and because so many people irrationally react to it, the world can be such a bad place.

There would be days when I would surprisingly have an ounce of self confidence, yet it could easily be shot by seeing seeing a woman who I thought was prettier than me. I constantly compared myself to other women. I would want to put them down so I could try and feel better. I would want to do whatever it took to make myself look more attractive than the woman next to me. I always tried to change my looks, even going as far as purchasing brown contacts because I thought they were prettier than my natural blue.

Then I finally thought; who the hell wants to live this way? Who wants to live their life coveting, wishing, and yearning to be someone else? 

But the question was: how do I change? 

The change for me was a process. I had to teach myself not to be jealous of other women. There was no anti-jealously pill that a doctor could prescribe, there is no amount of makeup or clothes that make the jealously and insecurities go away, and there is no man in the world who can make me love myself for who I am. I am the only person who has control. 

First, I wanted to love myself physically; which I knew was going to be a lot of work. 

I have large blue eyes and I think they are pretty. I do not have dark brown eyes like I always wanted and I never will. I need to accept that and move on.. I did. I always wanted large lips; my upper lip is not as large as I wish it was. Because I refuse to get injections, I have just found ways to accentuate them. I have a gap in between my two front teeth that three years of braces did not fix-- as it came back. It used to bother me so much that I would never smile with my teeth showing. I desperately wanted it fixed, but did not have the opportunity because of the cost. OK, fine. It's quirky, unique, and now I think it's cute. I can finally sat I am thankful that years ago I did not get it fixed because now I really enjoy having it! 

Next, I always wanted long, lean, and thin legs. However, standing in at 5'3 1/2 made that nearly impossible. Then to add in years of gymnastics, track, cheerleading, and dance, that just made my "thin legs dream" even more unattainable. Thankfully, I loved my sports more so I got over that. 

My long and lean dream continued with my arms. I wanted them rail thin when I was a teenager, but I lift weights far too much for that. If I wanted to obtain that look for my arms, I would have to give up one of my most favorite hobbies. That was in no way happening, so I moved on. 

Lastly, my butt. This made me so insecure as a child that it used to drive me crazy. I would want all of my shirts to be so baggy on me that they would completely cover my butt and hide it. I was 10 years old wearing XXL men's t-shirts. Now I love it. It is one of my favorite physical parts of me and I work hard to maintain and keep it toned and muscular. 

It was important for me to put all of my physical issues on the surface. I listed out nearly everything I detested about my looks. I did this because in order for me to change, I first had to acknowledge and be brutally honest with myself. 

There are a lot about our looks that we cannot control. Initially to me, that was heartbreaking. When I realized that a lot of the physical traits I so desperately wanted to have were impossible attain, I knew that spending my life yearning for them was an utter waste of time and energy. 

Now I see this "revelation" of mine as humbling. It 's beautifully, humbling to me. Through this journey,  I learned to love myself despite my self proclaimed flaws. There are some physical traits that are me, and cannot be changed no matter what I do. In that case I can either spend my life hating them or change the way I view them. I chose the latter. 

As I worked on this and consistently took the time to change the way I view myself, I did not realize the freeing and positive outlook and energy it would being to my heart, soul, mind, and the way I saw other women. 

I thought accepting and being content with my looks with be the best experience, but freeing myself of jealously and comparison changed my life more than I ever thought possible. I will continue on with that later on in the week. 

My Weekly Nutrition and Training Plan

The below nutrition plan is what I eat Monday through Friday. Saturday and Sunday during the day I still eat clean but will eat whatever is left over or what I have around my apartment. Two nights a week I have "treat" meals - whatever I choose. They are usually Saturday and Sunday night, but it does vary. I switch up my eating every week. I plan the week before what I want to have for meals, make the grocery list, and prep the food on Sunday's. A lot of times people will ask me if I get bored eating the same thing everyday. The answer is no. It is only 5 days a week that I eat the same thing. I eat to live - not live to eat. It took me a long time to come to that.  I also do this to save money. I live alone so I can't really cook tons of different things during the week because it's too expensive and will go bad. There are also ways you can switch up your eating day to day. Like my Quest Bars for instance; I eat a different flavor everyday, same with my yogurt. You can read here for meal prep ideas!

Total down (since 11/25/13):  63 pounds!

Meal 1 (7:15 AM)

2 eggs over easy with 2 Van's whole wheat waffles topped with sugar free/high fiber jam

Meal 2 (4 10:30 AM)

Meal 3 (1:15 PM)

Healthy Turkey and Bean Spanish dip (I used more meat and beans and eat this as a complete meal with no chips)

Meal 4 (3:45 PM) 

1/2 cup of black bean hummus, fresh broccoli, and a 100 calorie pack of plain almonds and walnuts.

Gym 4:30-6PM

Meal 5 (6:30 PM) [Post workout]

Kay Natural's Cinnamon Almond Protein Bites (I eat this like cereal with Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk) and 1/4 cup of turkey jerky.

Meal 6 (9 PM)

Lean turkey burger topped with low fat provolone and sauteed mushrooms with a side of healthy homemade mashed red potatoes and cauliflower. (I made the the recipe as normal, I just did not use as many potatoes since I also used cauliflower.) 

Bed time 11PM

-------------------------------

Sunday: (Rest)

Monday: (Rest)

Tuesday: (Weight Circuit + Squats)

-15 minutes cardio: Elliptical (Incline 9, Resistance 10)

- Back Squats (4 x 15. Two sets of 55 pounds and Two sets of 75 pounds)

-Weight Circuit:

   -Shoulders: 3 x 15

   -Back: 3 x 15

   -Biceps: 3 x 15

   -Chest: 3 x 15

   -Triceps: 3 x 15

    Sample workout

-30 minutes cardio: Elliptical (Incline 9, Resistance 10)

Wednesday: (Core)

-20 minutes of high intensity interval training: Tredmill (Work: 3 minutes at 3.2 speed and 12 incline and rest 2 minutes at 3.4 speed and 0 incline. No holding onto the tredmill at all)

-10 minutes of cardio: Elliptical (Incline 9/10, Resistance 10)

- 3 sets of 45 second planks

- 3 sets of "Russian Twists" with a 10 pound weight plate

- 3 sets of 20 crunches

- 3 sets of 20 heel touches

- 3 sets of  10 elevated leg crunches

-15 minutes cardio: StairMill (5 minutes at 80 SPM and 5 minutes at 60 SPM. No holding onto machine)

Thursday: (Weight Circuit)

-15 minutes of high intensity interval training: Tredmill (Work: 3 minutes at 3.2 speed and 12 incline and rest 2 minutes at 3.4 speed and 0 incline. No holding onto the tredmill at all)

-15 minutes of cardio: Elliptical (Incline 9, Resistance 10)

-Weight Circuit:

   -Shoulders: 3 x 15

   -Back: 3 x 15

   -Biceps: 3 x 15

   -Chest: 3 x 15

   -Triceps: 3 x 15

    Sample workout

-15 minutes of high intensity interval training: Tredmill (Work: 3 minutes at 3.2 speed and 12 incline and rest 2 minutes at 3.4 speed and 0 incline. No holding onto the tredmill at all)

.

Friday: (Weight Circuit + Squats):

-30 minutes of cardio: Elliptical (Incline 9, Resistance 10)

- Back Squats (4 x 15. Two sets of 55 pounds and Two sets of 75 pounds)

-Weight Circuit:

   -Shoulders: 3 x 15

   -Back: 3 x 15

   -Biceps: 3 x 15

   -Chest: 3 x 15

   -Triceps: 3 x 15

    Sample workout

-15 minutes of high intensity interval training: Tredmill (Work: 3 minutes at 3.2 speed and 12 incline and rest 2 minutes at 3.4 speed and 0 incline. No holding onto the tredmill at all)

Saturday: (Hike)

10 miles of hiking at Crowder's Mountain 

The Hump Day Blog Hop!

Happy Hump Day everyone! We are halfway through the week and the hump day camel is too freaking cool, so lets have some fun and a blog hop to celebrate.

This is a little different than a link up. To participate, simply add your blog link. There is no required entry or anything like that. This is about networking, making new friends, and finding new blogs.

All I ask:

1) "The Hump Day" blog hop button button be displayed anywhere on your blog page or a specific entry with a link back to me or the weekly co-host. (Please do this. These blog hops take a lot of work and preparation.)

2) You don't have to follow me, but in the words of Blake Shelton: it'd sure be cool if ya did.

3) Mingle with your fellow Bloggers.

<div align="center">
<a href="http://www.fitnessblondie.blogspot.com" title="The Hump Day Blog Hop"><img src="http://i1285.photobucket.com/albums/a593/fitnessblondiel/humpday_zps418f63f6.jpg" alt="The Hump Day Blog Hop" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Weekend Recap!

Friday after work, I went to the gym as usual. I am still working hard on my book, and since I have quite a bit written, I decided to do my first round of editing. Thus when I got to the gym, I started the process. Talk about "killing to birds with one stone", ha. It worked great. I did 45 minutes of cardio on the Elliptical and an upper body weight circuit. 

When I left the gym, I went home to take a shower and get ready for the evening. I am still loving my new hair color!

Once I was ready, I met Alexis at she and I's favorite spot "Cantina 1511" for dinner and drinks. I told myself that my limit was one cocktail for the weekend... so a pitcher it was! Ha! We had "Passion Fruit Margarita's" and they were delicious... and strong. Dinner was amazing too, per usual. 

After our lovely dinner we went to the movies to see "The Maze Runner". That movie was so, so awesome. I now want to read the books and cannot wait for the next movie. I think it is a "must see". There was so much action, you were continuously on the edge of your seat wanting to know what was next, and the story line was strong.

I thought after a long day and a wonderful night, I would be more than ready for bed. Which I was, however my RLS had other plans. I slept so bad. I tossed and turned all night, and had really bad leg pain. I fell asleep around 1:30 and woke up multiple times throughout the night. At 8 AM I stopped fighting it and got up. 

Luckily it was such a beautiful morning. I made breakfast, got myself ready, then took off to the mountains to go hiking. I had 11 miles planned. The weather was perfect! I am now inclined to hiking in almost 100 degree weather, so hiking in a lovely 75 degrees was amazing. It really makes a difference too because I had probably the best hike I have ever done -- even after a crappy night of rest! I achieve my 11 miles with interval training. I did a lot of speed walking and jogging. I felt accomplished after!

I was starving after my hike so I took off back to Charlotte. When I got back into to town my first stop was "Smoothie King". My appetite was insatiable and I could tell my sugar was low, so protein smoothie was the perfect answer. I got my favorite combination: a skinny banana boat protein smoothie with fresh kale.

Once I purchased my refuel, I bought groceries for the week and then ran a couple of more errands. When I got home, I dived right into cleaning. It took 3 hours, but my apartment was sparking after. I was trying to wear myself out in hopes that I could sleep well and my RLS not keep me up.

When I finished cleaning, it was finally time to relax for the evening. I took a hot Epsom salt bath, made myself dinner, then cuddled up on the couch with a Cucumber Skinnytini and HBO. I watched "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" then the Jay Z and Beyonce "On the Run" concert special.

My plan for wearing myself out worked great because I was asleep by 11 PM. I was up early again yesterday as well. Something weird; I woke up at 8:12 AM on Saturday and Sunday. How strange. Once I was up, I made breakfast then prepped all of my food for the week. I have great meals planned and my prep was finished by 10:38 AM. That is a record for me!

I then took a shower, took my time getting ready, then went to get a sports massage. It just just what I needed. I got some good, awkward stretching, and my tissue worked on. It was my reward for a great hike.

I then had to run a few more errands and picked up a cupcake. My local grocery store has started selling "Gigi's Cupcakes" which is a famous bakery about 15 minutes away from where I live. I have never had their cupcakes before but I hear that best things about them. When I treat myself to a cupcake it is usually from SAS. However, this treat was amazing. I think it is my new favorite.

After got home, made myself dinner, and got things ready for the week, the rest of my evening was spent editing and writing. Oh the life of a wannabe author.

Sometimes Life Freaking Sucks

This is my current state of my mind:

If you have been around me or my blog for even a short amount of time, you know that I love motivating and inspiring, working through issues and problems, taking chances, working hard, and all of that great crap that makes you want to have the best life ever.

Today is not one of those days. 

I am currently awaiting my spaceship to come down to earth and take me home because I am certain I am not human right now.

I get 8-9 hours of sleep every night. I am one of those people that thrives on sleep. I love it. I could sleep my entire life away and be perfect OK with it. My only request is a ceiling fan and big fluffy pillows.

I had a great weekend of training and working on my blog; the two major things I wanted to get in some good work on. Goal achieved. 

It laid a solid foundation to continue my reign of accomplishments. I was ready to take on the world.

I get in bed at 9:50 PM to get a good night of sleep.

Except that didn't happen.

Instead I played the "Insomnia vs. Liz" game for 7 hours.

Finally after transitioning from the bed to couch 740 times without a wink of sleep, I decided at 4:30 AM to go ahead and get ready for work.

Like any blogging-white-girl would do, once I was ready, I stopped at Starbucks for a venti iced coffee. That is where I proceeded to stare off into space (probably trying to reach my kin) for 3 minutes while the Barista eagerly awaited for me to pay her. 

I pulled up to the drive through and just sat there... did not even roll my window down.

I sat in the empty abyss that is my life.

After, I get into the corporate park and speed walk to my building hoping to dodge all murders and rapists before they decided to turn in for the night.

That is when I am greeted by a dead bird at in the entrance way.

You see, birds around here have a really bad habit of flying into the windows of the corporate park buildings and dying.

I proceed to come up the elevator and arrive promptly at my desk at 5:30 AM to which I sit and work at my desk in the dark until 7 AM (because that is when the lights turn on).

So now I am pushing through the day until my 2 melatonin and venti coffee give me heart attack.

In honor of this day from hell, I would like to present you with some inspiration to make your day more enjoyable; much like it is mine!

I hope to enter the sleepy phase soon because right now I am still in the "I can see colors and taste noises" mood.

At least my mom is supportive and comforting.

And well that is enough life for me today. Bye.

My Weekly Nutrition and Training Plan

The below nutrition plan is what I eat Monday through Friday. Saturday and Sunday during the day I still eat clean but will eat whatever is left over or what I have around my apartment. Two nights a week I have "treat" meals - whatever I choose. They are usually Saturday and Sunday night, but it does vary. I switch up my eating every week. I plan the week before what I want to have for meals, make the grocery list, and prep the food on Sunday's. A lot of times people will ask me if I get bored eating the same thing everyday. The answer is no. It is only 5 days a week that I eat the same thing. I eat to live - not live to eat. It took me a long time to come to that.  I also do this to save money. I live alone so I can't really cook tons of different things during the week because it's too expensive and will go bad. There are also ways you can switch up your eating day to day. Like my Quest Bars for instance; I eat a different flavor everyday, same with my yogurt. You can read here for meal prep ideas!

Total down (since 11/25/13):  63 pounds!

Meal 1 (7:15 AM)
3 slices of natural, 4 ingredient turkey bacon, 100 calorie whole wheat bagel thin, and 1 pack of Almond Butter

Meal 2 (4 10:30 AM)

Meal 3 (1:15 PM)
4 oz. homemade turkey meatloaf, healthy mashed potatoes, and sauteed asparagus. 

Meal 4 (3:45 PM) 

1/2 cup of black bean hummus, fresh broccoli, and a 100 calorie pack of plain almonds and walnuts.

Gym 4:30-6PM

Meal 5 (6:30 PM) [Post workout]

Kay Natural's Cinnamon Almond Protein Bites (I eat this like cereal with Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk) and 1/4 cup of turkey jerky.

Meal 6 (9 PM)

Crock-pot BBQ'ed chicken (Chicken breast cooked in Walden's Farm calorie free BBQ sauce, two tablespoons of honey BBQ sauce, and Worcestershire sauce. I shredded the meat once it was finished) and "hidden veggie" healthy macaroni and cheese casserole. 

Bed time 11PM

-------------------------------

Sunday: (Rest)

Monday: (Weight Circuit)

-15 minutes cardio: Elliptical (Incline 9, Resistance 10)

-Weight Circuit:

   -Shoulders: 3 x 15

   -Back: 3 x 15

   -Biceps: 3 x 15

   -Chest: 3 x 15

   -Triceps: 3 x 15

    Sample workout

-25 minutes cardio: Elliptical (Incline 9, Resistance 10)

Tuesday: (Rest)

Mental Healthy Day, ha

Wednesday: (Weight Circuit)

-40 minutes cardio: Elliptical (Incline switched between 1, 9, and 12, Resistance 10/11)

-Weight Circuit:

   -Shoulders: 3 x 15

   -Back: 3 x 15

   -Biceps: 3 x 15

   -Chest: 3 x 15

   -Triceps: 3 x 15

    Sample workout

-10 minutes cardio: Elliptical (Incline 9, Resistance 10)

Thursday: (Core + squats)

-20 minutes of high intensity interval training: Tredmill (Work: 3 minutes at 3.2 speed and 12 incline and rest 2 minutes at 3.4 speed and 0 incline. No holding onto the tredmill at all)

-10 minutes of cardio: Elliptical (Incline 9/10, Resistance 10)

- Back Squats (4 x 15. Two sets of 55 pounds and Two sets of 75 pounds)

- 3 sets of 45 second planks

- 3 sets of "Russian Twists" with a 10 pound weight plate

- 3 sets of 20 crunches

- 3 sets of 20 heel touches

- 3 sets of  10 elevated leg crunches

-10 minutes cardio: StairMill (5 minutes at 80 SPM and 5 minutes at 60 SPM. No holding onto machine)

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Friday: (Weight Circuit)

30 minutes cardio: Fasted cardio at 6 AM, Elliptical (Incline 9, Resistance 10)

After work:

15 minutes of cardio: Elliptical (Incline 9, Resistance 10)

-Weight Circuit:

   -Shoulders: 3 x 15

   -Back: 3 x 15

   -Biceps: 3 x 15

   -Chest: 3 x 15

   -Triceps: 3 x 15

    Sample workout

-15 minutes of high intensity interval training: Tredmill (Work: 3 minutes at 3.2 speed and 12 incline and rest 2 minutes at 3.4 speed and 0 incline. No holding onto the tredmill at all)

Saturday: (Hike)

10 miles of hiking at Crowder's Mountain 

Confessions From A Woman Who Is Never Content

Contentment has to be one of the best feelings imaginable. "Content" is defined as state of peaceful happiness... to be satisfied. I am a naturally very high energy, outgoing, and happy person; however I am not a content person. Truth be told, there are few very times that I have been content in my life. 

The few times I knew I was content were because of how peaceful I felt mentally and how my heart rested; slowly, but strong. I miss that feeling immensely... the brief contentment I experienced is long gone. Contentment is not that overwhelming feeling of bliss; but a quiet yet powerful, satisfied feeling. I perceive happiness like a sprint and contentment as a marathon. Happiness can come in short bursts, but contentment lasts -- it is steady. It is a foundation.  

Last weekend my grandmother made a comment that she was worried about me because I am never content. She is afraid that nothing will ever truly make me happy. I am thankful for the bond I have with my grandmother because above anything in life, I appreciate honesty. I do not know of a lot of 25 year old women who are single and on their own in life who are content. Yes, I am happy. No, I am not in anyway of the word content. I have gone through and I am living out the hardest year of my life. I still struggle more than I want to admit to my friends, family, and readers. Writing is my truth, and way of trying to understand my feelings and problems entirely, and contemplate how to resolve them. 

This year has been so difficult for me because of the amount of change that required monumental adjustments. My life changed drastically. I have focused so much time and energy into growing and opening myself up in this blog, long hours at my job, losing 65 pounds, and slowly mend the pieces of my heart back together. When someone is working that hard to try and grow themselves to be independently successful, how can one be content? 

I believe the comment was made to me because of the significant downturn I took at the end of June with anxiety and depression. I burned myself out to the point of rock bottom, and it took a month to even feel somewhat like myself again. Additionally, I slightly exasperated myself over the past couple of weeks. Some of my closest readers may have noticed since my blog posts were abnormally scarce. Fortunately, I quickly realized what was happening to me and tried to correct my health before I had a repeat. 

Right now in my life, I do not know how to be content. I cannot tell myself that where I am right now is where I am going to be forever. I want more; and I want to accomplish my dreams. Sadly, my dreams are extremely competitive and if I want to achieve them, it requires a lot of sacrifice and hard ass work; both of which I have not done until this year. 

As a result of trying so hard this year to improve myself and get to where I want to be, I have not enjoyed where I am. I have not enjoyed my journey of growing and hard work. Instead I have constantly told myself how I have to keep doing more. I have been telling myself that because I do not devote as much time as I should, that I am never going to accomplish anything. It has been very hard to properly delegate time in all of my necessary areas: work, blogging, my book, my weight loss, taking care of my home with all of the errands, cleaning, etc., rest, and a social life (because we all need to have some type of pleasure and enjoyment). 

That comment has stuck with me over the course of the past week. It is true, and it is not something I am proud of. I do want to be content. I want to enjoy where I am while I get to where I am going. Because if I am not happy and content with where I am now, I will miss out on so much in life. I may become so miserable that I do not even notice that where I am at is always where I wanted to be. I could miss so many opportunities. I could pass up so many chances to make memories.

I desperately want to accomplish my dreams, but I am constantly terrified because I am one woman from small town North Carolina amongst a sea of beautiful, talented people who are better than me and want the same that I do. It's intimidating and disheartening. Even above that still, I truly want to enjoy the journey of my life.

I am now seeing and learning that if you do not enjoy today, how negative the consequences can be; and I do not want anyone else to experience this. One reason why I do open myself up on my blog is for the hope that at least one person can learn from my mistakes and avoid making them. I let loneliness engulf me. I let my anxiety take over my conscious; awful sweats, sleepless nights, racing heart-rate, and chronic fatigue. I wake up most mornings feeling like the day before I ran a marathon. I just took 7 days off from training and even still, every morning I woke up uncommonly sore. Often I stay on the verge of tears and just one negative thing could snowball the entire day. My weight loss has stalled for 8 weeks now. My skin is constantly breaking out. To sum all of this up, most days I feel like an emotional freaking mess. 

I want to change: I want to be content without being complacent. I want to enjoy my journey. I want to cherish today. I want to be more thankful for what I have, and what I have accomplished. I know this is going to be hard, but I am really going to try. I am the only one who can make this happen; it is solely up to me and my mind. It is up to my attitude and my way of thinking. If I want to live a positive, happy life; I have to have a positive, happy way of thinking. 

Faith. I started going to church at the beginning of July and I love it. It is my time with God and it is a recharge to my heart and soul. However, recently, I have not had any faith in my life. It pains me to admit that. I want to have faith. I want to believe God knows my heart, struggles, and inner demons, and that things will get better. Most days I feel too exhausted to exude this faith, but I am working on this.

Rest. Sleep and resting the mind is essential to anyone's well being. I have not been sleeping well lately because of my anxiety attacks, but I am improving this by getting in bed earlier to read, I started a journal (old school journal with pen and paper), and take melatonin on nights that I feel I need it. 

Fun Activities. I try to at least do 2-3 fun activities a week. I wish desperately I could travel more and "get away", but until I can, I do the best with what I have available. Whether it is going out for dinner and drinks, a movie, painting, hiking, or massages, I want to do more things that give me pleasure. 

Believing in myself. I want to make the best of everyday that I have. I want to stop putting myself down. "Rome was not built in a day" and I need to tell myself this. If I stay organized and delegate my tasks, and just do that best I can everyday, that is enough. Doing the best I can where get me to where I want to go. 

Think Positive. I taught myself the power of positive thinking when I was 14 years old; and since then, my life has never been the same. I will elaborate on that in a future blog post, but it changed my life for the better -- better than I ever thought possible. However, I found that as I have gotten older, it gets harder. But I have two choices: see the good in life or see the bad. Focus on the positive or focus on the negative. The choices are up to me. Studies have proven time and time again that negative reinforcement is NOT the way to success. 

I still have a lot of growing to do. I am still weathering this long storm. I want to keep trying; I just want to be happier. I want to be content. A happy person is a successful person. A happy person is a creative person. I want to do more, I want to do better, but none of that is possible if I am not happy. In order to be happy, I have got to start loving where I am right now and being thankful for the present. 

Hidden Veggie Healthy Macaroni and Cheese Casserole!

I have been trying to develop this recipe for a while. I love macaroni and cheese, but I want to enjoy it in a healthy way. As my readers know, my mission when I create recipes is to make our already favorite foods in a more clean and nutrition beneficial way. I finally created a delicious way to have mac and cheese while getting lean protein and a serving of vegetables. As always, feel free to alter the recipe to you and your families specific liking. 

What you need:

This recipe is designed for a small, 8-9 inch baking pan. If you are using a standard, large baking pan, double everything in this recipe. 

• Half a bag of frozen or fresh cauliflower 
• Half a box (6 oz) of hidden veggie noddles (or healthy noodle of choice)
• 1 cup of low fat or fat free cottage cheese
• 1 container (5-6 oz.) of plain frozen yogurt (do not accidentally buy vanilla, this will be disgusting. Yes, I am unfortunately speaking from experience. Ensure your greek yogurt is plain.)
• 3/4 cup of plain Almond Milk (or healthy milk of choice; coconut, skim, etc.)
• 1-2 cup of low fat shredded cheese of choice

What you do:

1.) Preheat oven to 350 degrees

2.) Boil noodles

3.) Cook cauliflower as instructed; microwave or boil to get them soft

4.) Once cauliflower is cooked, place it in a blender or food processor with almond milk, then mix until you have a thick, creamy mixture. I have an old, not so great blender so I had to thoroughly mix and stir for about 5 minutes to get this accomplished.

 

5.) Place cauliflower mixture, cottage cheese, and Greek yogurt into a large mixing bowl and blend together thoroughly. 

6.) Drain noodles through a strainer then add them into the mixing bowl

7.) Combine everything together thoroughly 

8.) Place into baking pan

9.) Top with low fat shredded cheese of choice

10.) Bake 20-40 minutes until top of cheese is slightly browned and bubbly. If you used a 8-9 inch baking pan, cooking time is approximately 20-25 minutes; a larger pan will be closer to 40.

Nutritional Information:

This will vary based on different ingredients and specific brands used; this is to be used as a generic guide only.

Servings: 5

Calories: 110

Fat: 7g

Carbohydrates: 17g

Fiber: 2g

Protein: 16g

Click here for the printer friendly version of the recipe!