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My Desperation for a New Beginning

September 30, 2014


Back in the early summer my life-- perhaps that is the wrong word to use... my mental and physical health took a detrimental turn for the worse. I was in such a deep depression that took nearly a month to even slightly improve. Slowly but surely, I progress significantly for about a month. August was a content month for me. Unfortunately it was short lived, and at the beginning of September, my depression and anxiety were back and increasing daily.

Last Sunday was probably the worst "episode" I have experienced throughout this whole ordeal. I was in agony the entire day; so damn trapped inside of myself. It felt like my soul was desperately clawing trying to escape my body. I could not stand myself. It was an inner war. I tried to journal and write my feelings to calm myself down. I went to a movie. I took a bubble bath.

Those attempts helped slightly, but the second my head hit the pillow  to go to sleep, my anxiety completely took over and I stayed up the entire night. I tossed and turned, transitioned from the bed to the couch countless times, took 10 mg of melatonin (usually 2 1/2 mg's knocks me out), and nothing worked. By 4:30 in the morning I was sick of it so I took and shower and got ready for work, and was in my office at 5:30 AM. I stayed awake for a day and a half. My sleep has been horrid lately. I have trouble every single night, I toss and turn nonstop, and my leg pain due to RLS has surfaced a lot more than normal.

Aside from last weeks episodes, there have been a plethora of other problems; mainly the same ones I experienced back in June and early July. My skin is awful around my chin and jawline, my moods are so up and down and constantly changing, motivation comes in short bursts and never lasts, concentration is unheard of, and at any given moment, I can lose control of my emotions and cry. Most days I dread getting out of bed and it is all I can do to make it through the day. 

I try to hide these issues to the best of my ability and most days, I do a wonderful job. I do this because no one wants to read a blog from a woman who is miserable. No one wants to be friends with a woman who depressed. Most days I cannot stand me; how could anyone else?

Everyday I feel myself breaking inside; as if a piece of me dies at every moment. I am sick of it. I am so tired of being tortured by my pain. I do not live my life this way; I never have. I am such a positive person who works hard and believes in the beauty of life. I am a person who believes that our destiny is up to us, and what we are willing to do for what we want.

I have worked so hard to make myself live by these philosophies. Ever since I started writing deeply from my heart on this blog nearly a year ago and started my novel, I have wanted nothing more than to grow and live my dreams of writing full time, while simultaneously help other men and women live their happiest and healthiest life. I just want my words to help. However, none of that is even slightly plausible if I keep living my life the way I am now. I am so miserable inside most days now, that writing motivational posts would be a complete lie. That scares me immensely because I do not want to miss out on my dreams-- I do not want to miss opportunities. I am terrified that I am going to lose everything I have been trying so hard to accomplish for myself because of how sad I have been.

My weight loss has been stagnant for a little over 2 months because of all of this and that admittedly makes this entire thing worse. Most of my pain is from my breakup 11 months ago with my doormat weight loss journey closely trailing.

It is embarrassing for me to admit that I am hurting so extremely over a breakup that happened nearly a year ago. However, what I went through with him for 2 1/2 years is indescribable. I felt everything with him. I went through so many intense and personal things with this person. I finally knew what people meant by feeling like one with someone you love. I had never given my heart to someone until I was 21 years old and went on my first date with him. I still remember that night like it happened yesterday; the weather. the outfits. the atmosphere. the smells. 

The worst part is that I did not leave because I wanted too. I left because I had too. That may not make any sense, but it was a situation where the relationship had gotten so bad, but neither one of us could let go. Just because our relationship had gotten so bad, the love was still there and we were both so desperately clinging to it. I worked until I bled to try and make it last; always compromising, being supportive, adoring him, putting forth every effort I could, and I did it alone. It was never good enough either.

After the breakup, I spent months having my heart thrown around like trash; which is partly my fault because I allowed it. He quickly moved on to a new relationship, but after that ended, the empty promises and constant hope and let down cycle continued. There is no other way to describe being put through that by someone you love, cherish, and adore, other than burning in the flames of hell. I have never crashed and burned so much in my life. Overtime even that slowed down. Not completely, but significantly-- enough to where I was wise enough to realize the comments were not real, but a condiluted statement from consuming a mind altering substance. That did not make any hurt any less though.

Now I understand he does not love me anymore. He does not want me. All of our memories, all of our plans, and everything we built together-- two and a half years are gone. It is desperately time for me to realize this and move on. It is just unbelievably hard for me to accept because I decided that once I gave my heart to someone, I would do anything possible to make it work; and I did. I tried so damn hard. After all of the horrendous examples of love and marriage I have witnessed throughout my life, I was going to take my relationship just as serious as my health and my career. But it takes two. I could not do it alone.

In true Liz Taylor, Fitness Blondie fashion, I am not going to write about my pain and invite everyone to my pity party without a plan of action.

There is one thing I have needed to do for a long time, but it breaks my heart to do it.

I am leaving my gym.

One is maybe scratching their head after that statement not understanding why that is a big deal, but with fitness being the biggest passion of my life, my gym means so much to me. For 4 years, I have been to that place 5-6 days a week. I love my gym. It is home to me. Home is where the heart is, and that gym is my home.

Since I moved to Charlotte 4 1/2 years ago, it is the one place that has been my rock. I remember when that gym was nothing but a concrete foundation. I watched it turn from nothing to a 3-story fitness facility, as I lived right beside of it. I joined there before it opened and I was there training the day it did. I worked there for 6 months. I made tons and tons of friends. I met my ex there. Even the worst of days improved to me when I stepped into that place. I lost myself there. I discovered myself there. I lost 65 pounds there. That gym means so damn much to me, and yesterday I had to let go. Though it is right beside of my apartment - across the parking lot and I am in a contract, I cancelled my membership.

The reason is because since my breakup nearly a year ago, I have had to see my ex almost every single day. I have had to see a person who I used to sleep beside of every night pretend like I do not exist... and like he could not care less. I tried to stay strong; but I can't. It has eaten away at my soul and my joy more than I ever thought possible. I have cried during my workouts more times than I care to admit, Saturday at the gym I lost it so bad that it carried on the rest of the day and throughout my evening out, I knew I was reaching a breaking point and I had to make this change. I know he would never leave the gym because he loves it so much, nor would I want him too.

The positive side to leaving my gym is I am going to be adding a lot more variety to my training ;which I think will really kick start my weight loss again. I only have 30 more pounds to go. I bought a two week pass to a boxing facility; once that expires, I have a two week pass for hot yoga, I am trying a Pure Barre class, I am going to continue hiking, jog more on the beautiful greenway behind my home, and do my "Hot Mess Express" workout more - that plyometric, full body workout, works me harder than anything. Luckily, the gym at my apartment is very nice and I will do my weight circuits there until I decide on a new gym to lift.

I hope-- I desperately hope implementing those changes will help me get over the bulk of my anxiety and depression. There are still quite a few other issues going on in my life, but I feel if I can get over this pain and heartache, my mind and emotional state will improve significantly which will give me the strength to get through the other problems.

I desperately want a new beginning. I want to feel free again. I want to feel like myself. My heart has been in chains for so long. I need strength to keep pursuing my dreams, I need hope, I need joy. I need faith. I am so low in all of those essential feelings. Back in the summer when I wrote the post "Lost Within Myself", so many of you sent the most heartfelt and inspirational stories about moving on from heartache. They helped me a lot, and I pray that one day I will the same story to tell the world. I want to pull through this and be a better and stronger woman that I ever felt possible. Right now it feels like I am going to sulk in this sorrow for the rest of my days. I feel like such a broken person. It is time for me to once a for all move on and close this chapter.


"If don't catch my breath,
 I may never breathe again, 
so just know this:

I've never been so torn up in all of my life, 
I can't believe I let myself break down.

I've never been so torn up in all of my life,
I should have seen this coming.
I've never felt so hopeless,
Than I do tonight.
I don't wanna do this anymore...

I've never been so torn up in all of my life,
I should have seen this coming.
I've never felt so hopeless,
Than I do tonight.
No I don't wanna do this anymore, I'm moving on."

31 comments

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this raw honesty with us. I can absolutely relate to your situation... It's not easy. Trust me, but you're doing the right steps by physically separating yourself from that person. You will PREVAIL. You will GROW from this. More importantly, you will find happiness like you've never found before.

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  2. Hiya Friend.

    Listen - you leaving that gym - is a symbol. It symbolizes you breaking free from your past - and moving forward.
    The longer you stayed there - the longer you would have been stuck.

    It's not like you are leaving FITNESS behind - just an establishment.

    And I commend you for being strong enough to do it.
    I applaud you for realizing what that gym represented to you . . . and were capable of letting it go.

    And in the end - you are letting HIM go. By doing that you are opening yourself (truly) up to amazing opportunities.

    Our journeys are never well paved - there are moments of bumpy rocky road... Push through - towards the light and the positivity.

    We are all there for you.

    No matter what you write, or post, or take a pic of - we are there for you.

    <3 you.

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  3. I know you are a woman of God so you will appreciate what I have to tell you.

    All soul ties need to be broken, and that is done by the washing of the word of God and speaking the word over yourself AND believing by faith what you are speaking. Wash yourself.... bathe yourself in Gods word. It is power and it is healing..... every day.... mulitple times a day you should be applying the blood of Jesus to your heart, your emotions, your mind.. .everything about you. and please please please please for the sake of your gorgeous little heart..... regain your viginity "spiritually speaking" and never give it away again until Jesus brings you "THE" man of God that He has for you. "unless God builds the house, he labors in vain who builds it" I so wish I could hug you and hold you and pray with you. What a very special and beautiful girl you are!!!!!!! I will be praying here from Phoenix girl. May the God of life, lift up His countenance upon you and be gracious to you. blessings girl.

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  4. Liz-

    There are no words that could accurately describe the sense of compassion I feel for you. I, too, struggle with depression and anxiety on almost a daily basis, when I am embarrassed to admit that I/you/we shouldn't feel that way. The world is our oyster, yet our demons continue to steal our joy. I have also been through an absolutely horrible, life-threatening break up and 100% can feel the pain you're going through. I am proud that you decided to give up your gym, as you need to break free from all things that remind you of your ex, but obviously easier said than done. Coming from a survivor of all you mentioned, I can promise you that it DOES get easier. You are so much stronger than you're giving yourself credit for!!! One of my favorite quotes that I *try* to remember when I'm feeling 'down' is....."this too shall pass". xoxo!!!!

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  6. These words "Most days I cannot stand me" = you are speaking the words in my head & the battle I deal with in depression sometimes.
    Thank you for your honesty...
    I'm glad you are changing gyms - getting out of a place that while you feel like helps you, is ultimately wearing you down mentally. Wishing you new joy in new adventures... & brighter days ahead.

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  7. Oh Liz, this breaks my heart to hear you hurting so bad. I think that the best thing you can possibly do for yourself is to quit that gym. To leave and never look back. If you dont have to see him every day, it will be a lot easier on you. I cant believe you have lasted this long there. Sending hugs!

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  8. Hey gorgeous ♥ It is really strong of you to be able to share that with us, I know it could not have been easy. I am hoping that being able to put all of this into words helped ease your pain a little bit, at least a minuscule amount. You leaving that gym is good for many reasons, and not seeing him constantly will make life easier too. I hope that you are able to find a better alternative, well actually it sounds like you already did.. but I hope you enjoy those classes! Boxing, pure barre, and hot yoga all sounds like a lot of fun. Keep your head up doll, we are all rooting for you ♥ xoxo

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  9. Oh man I can't believe you made it so long with him there all the time. I would have left a long time ago. I totally understand. You will feel a million times better when hes out of your site and mind. I wish I lived clsoer, I have a full gym in my basement you are welcome to use!

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  10. I love you!!! I really think you will enjoy pure barre... I know how much you love your gym but I think you are making the right steps in order to improve your life!! Hang in there beautiful!!! Just remember, always when you hit the bottom the only way is up <3

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  11. First of all, it is extremely brave to write honestly about your depression and anxiety and heartache and all of that. Those of us also dealing with those issues applaud you for bringing another voice and face the reality of living with them daily. It is exhausting and stressful and we get it. I assure you, no one is judging you for not being motivational in the ways you think you need to be. Being open about your life is motivation for others (I speak from experience. Another blogger started blogger about her depression because I talk about mine). Plus, not everything is sunshine and unicorns and rainbows and it's completely okay to talk about it. This is your space; use it as you see fit.

    Second of all, sometimes it's necessary to cut ties with something we love, no matter how significant it's been in the past, because doing so allows us to heal. And that's exactly what you need. To heal. It will take time. It will take effort. It will take courage and strength and you will have to dig deeper than you've ever thought possible. But you are a strong and brave woman and you will be able to do it. And through it, you will learn that you are stronger than you ever thought.

    I'm not going to bore you with inspirational platitudes (because there's plenty on Pinterest for that) but I will tell you this: I did not think I'd ever heal from what happened to me. And I'm still not fully healed. But I'm getting there. And while it seemed like everything was over, including my marriage, it actually allowed me to start living the life I wanted. I feel like I'm more authentic now. It gave me exactly what you're looking for--a new beginning. Because while you can't erase what's happened to you, you can learn to use it. You are smart and ambitious enough to do just that.

    I've said it before--if you need me, do not hesitate to reach out to me. I completely understand what you're going through.

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  12. Wow. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to see your ex nearly every day. No wonder the pain is so fresh for you. It is definitely the right decision to leave the gym. I'm sure you will love all of the other activities out in the world. It's time to try something new.

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  13. Congratulations for realizing that something had to change! I can't even imagine going to the gym and seeing an ex there every single day. It's part of the healing process and necessary for your mental health. It sounds like the last thing you need to do to finally break free.

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  14. I am so proud of you for making this change. I think you really needed it to move on. I don't know how you managed it that long. Glad you are making your happiness a priority! Hope the new workouts will shake things up and help you move past the plateau!

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  15. I've been right where you are!! Leaving the gym is the best move. Even though it's been almost a year, you haven't allowed yourself to move on because you still have daily contact. From my experience, you don't move on until you've cut all ties. Take care of yourself!

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  16. Hi Liz, first off I so admire you and love your blog and all of the info you share. I feel sad that you feel such pain. We have all been there in some form or fashion but that is of no comfort to you I know. I saw this on my Instagram feed and took a screenshot of it so I will always have it. It really helped my put some things in perspective when I lost my long time best friend for no apparent reason. I hope you find some comfort in these words and know that everything does happen for a reason. I hope you know that you inspire many people!!

    God says, "the reason some people have turned against you and walked away from you without reason has nothing to do with you. It is because I have removed them from your life because they cannot go where I am taking you next. They will only hinder you in your next level because they have already served their purpose in your life. Let them go and keep moving. Greater is coming" says the Lord.

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  17. oh girl. Yes to leaving your gym. It makes so much sense, I know it's a hard decision to make but it sounds like the right one. You cannot move on if you are seeing him every day. And kudos to you for making that decision - you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are amazing and beautiful and you have such an amazing life ahead of you. Stay your strong, beautiful, wonderful self and you'll get there.

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  18. This song has gotten me through many though times and helps me to trust the One who truly steadies my anxious heart! Phillipians 4:6-7

    http://youtu.be/T0ip40j82ws

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  19. I really apploud your courage in this post. I can understand where you are coming from, I have issues with depression/anxiety as well. I think leaving the gym is the best thing you could possibly do, you don't need to be reminded everyday of your relationship. Keep being strong and you WILL make it through this!

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  20. Liz, you are so brave and honest, I always love reading when you put yourself out there while going through difficult times. You are so strong girl, so glad to see you are doing something about the pain you're in. I have been through heartbreak like that. A clean break from all the reminders is a great way to get a fresh start. You are so special and whoever snags you next will be lucky to have you in their life. But you are doing a great thing by learning to love yourself first. I was about 28 when I went through an AWFUL breakup (weight loss, lots of drinking and chain smoking, trying to forget the guy I was in love with) and it killed my soul for awhile. The best medicine in the world was letting my best friend convince me to go on a trip to Greece for 10 days and it changed my life. I came back refreshed and 3 months later, I met Jarrett, and the rest is history. I learned that I needed to be in control of me before letting someone in to love me. You are so strong, beautiful and smart. I'm behind you all t he way girl! Rock on! Here's a little verse to leave you with. Romans 5 Peace and Hope
    5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

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  21. I am sorry your are hurting Liz. I don't mind you writing these kind of posts and being honest about what is going on in your life. It takes a lot of courage to speak what is on your mind and heart. You are a beautiful person on the inside and outside. I think putting distance between you and your ex is a good idea. I can't imagine loving someone for 2 1/2 years and then having to see them and being ignored. I was with my ex for 9 years. We've been broken up for the past four years and sometimes it is still hard. But, much less then it used to be. It does get easier with time. I learned an exercise/meditation you could do that recently helped me. If you want to know what it is I will be glad to send you in a reply. Dealing with depression and anxiety can be a daily struggle. I am in the same boat with wanting to make some major life changes. Some things are already happening and any kind of change can be scary even a good change. I think changing gyms will be a very good thing for you.

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  22. I know this is not easy for you to share your pain with us. I am sorry to hear about that. Leaving that gym maybe the best decision. Take care of yourself.

    herweightlossdiary.blogspot.com

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  23. my heart breaks reading this! I know how much your gym means to you and I am also glad you got the strength to move forward and do what is best for you!!! Keep your head up and stay strong, you can and WILL get through this! oxox

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  24. I'm sorry you're hurting. I think leaving your gym will make this much easier to assimilate into reality. Hang in there girlfriend. Cheers to new beginnings.

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  25. I am right there with you. Most days I feel just the way you explain. Just know, things will get better. Hang in there beautiful!

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  26. I'm sorry your hurting - I know it's agony - try to remember that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. xoxo

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  27. I'm proud of you for taking steps to break the cycle of sadness.

    Climbing out of depression is tough work.

    Thank you so much for sharing the real you with us. I hope you know your readers are here for you!

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  28. I posted on this yesterday but all of a sudden blogger told me there was an error so I am reposting. I am glad to hear you made the decision to change gyms. It will be difficult but I didn't realize your x was there and there was such a connection to that gym. Letting go of that gym should help tremendously.

    I am so glad you have a plan to continue your fitness in other ways. Sometimes just the change will be a good boost for you too. Letting go of him will be hard but every thing that happens in life is for a good reason. You are destined to find someone else who is 50x better (I am sure he was great) and you will be able to recognize it so much more because of where the prior relationship lacked.

    I can think of major heartbreak that I went through and I didn't end up taking the right path to heal. It led me down the road of destruction and it took a while for me to overcome it. Even after, there were things I didn't really deal with and they sorta came up to haunt me later. I am highly impressed that you understand and recognize things that are unhealthy vs what are healthy. That is uncommon in most of us- until we are a 3rd party looking in. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  29. Love ya lady. I've been where you are.. I think you hit the nail on the head when you say I don't like myself sometimes so how could anyone else? I've definitely felt like that. Praying for you! (Also, I think leaving the gym is a really good idea!)

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  30. I had no idea that you'd been seeing him constantly at your gym! That would make it hard for anyone to move on, for sure. I know I'm late in reading this post, but I hope that the gym change has been really helpful for you.

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