My Desperation for a New Beginning

Back in the early summer my life-- perhaps that is the wrong word to use... my mental and physical health took a detrimental turn for the worse. I was in such a deep depression that took nearly a month to even slightly improve. Slowly but surely, I progress significantly for about a month. August was a content month for me. Unfortunately it was short lived, and at the beginning of September, my depression and anxiety were back and increasing daily.

Last Sunday was probably the worst "episode" I have experienced throughout this whole ordeal. I was in agony the entire day; so damn trapped inside of myself. It felt like my soul was desperately clawing trying to escape my body. I could not stand myself. It was an inner war. I tried to journal and write my feelings to calm myself down. I went to a movie. I took a bubble bath.

Those attempts helped slightly, but the second my head hit the pillow  to go to sleep, my anxiety completely took over and I stayed up the entire night. I tossed and turned, transitioned from the bed to the couch countless times, took 10 mg of melatonin (usually 2 1/2 mg's knocks me out), and nothing worked. By 4:30 in the morning I was sick of it so I took and shower and got ready for work, and was in my office at 5:30 AM. I stayed awake for a day and a half. My sleep has been horrid lately. I have trouble every single night, I toss and turn nonstop, and my leg pain due to RLS has surfaced a lot more than normal.

Aside from last weeks episodes, there have been a plethora of other problems; mainly the same ones I experienced back in June and early July. My skin is awful around my chin and jawline, my moods are so up and down and constantly changing, motivation comes in short bursts and never lasts, concentration is unheard of, and at any given moment, I can lose control of my emotions and cry. Most days I dread getting out of bed and it is all I can do to make it through the day. 

I try to hide these issues to the best of my ability and most days, I do a wonderful job. I do this because no one wants to read a blog from a woman who is miserable. No one wants to be friends with a woman who depressed. Most days I cannot stand me; how could anyone else?

Everyday I feel myself breaking inside; as if a piece of me dies at every moment. I am sick of it. I am so tired of being tortured by my pain. I do not live my life this way; I never have. I am such a positive person who works hard and believes in the beauty of life. I am a person who believes that our destiny is up to us, and what we are willing to do for what we want.

I have worked so hard to make myself live by these philosophies. Ever since I started writing deeply from my heart on this blog nearly a year ago and started my novel, I have wanted nothing more than to grow and live my dreams of writing full time, while simultaneously help other men and women live their happiest and healthiest life. I just want my words to help. However, none of that is even slightly plausible if I keep living my life the way I am now. I am so miserable inside most days now, that writing motivational posts would be a complete lie. That scares me immensely because I do not want to miss out on my dreams-- I do not want to miss opportunities. I am terrified that I am going to lose everything I have been trying so hard to accomplish for myself because of how sad I have been.

My weight loss has been stagnant for a little over 2 months because of all of this and that admittedly makes this entire thing worse. Most of my pain is from my breakup 11 months ago with my doormat weight loss journey closely trailing.

It is embarrassing for me to admit that I am hurting so extremely over a breakup that happened nearly a year ago. However, what I went through with him for 2 1/2 years is indescribable. I felt everything with him. I went through so many intense and personal things with this person. I finally knew what people meant by feeling like one with someone you love. I had never given my heart to someone until I was 21 years old and went on my first date with him. I still remember that night like it happened yesterday; the weather. the outfits. the atmosphere. the smells. 

The worst part is that I did not leave because I wanted too. I left because I had too. That may not make any sense, but it was a situation where the relationship had gotten so bad, but neither one of us could let go. Just because our relationship had gotten so bad, the love was still there and we were both so desperately clinging to it. I worked until I bled to try and make it last; always compromising, being supportive, adoring him, putting forth every effort I could, and I did it alone. It was never good enough either.

After the breakup, I spent months having my heart thrown around like trash; which is partly my fault because I allowed it. He quickly moved on to a new relationship, but after that ended, the empty promises and constant hope and let down cycle continued. There is no other way to describe being put through that by someone you love, cherish, and adore, other than burning in the flames of hell. I have never crashed and burned so much in my life. Overtime even that slowed down. Not completely, but significantly-- enough to where I was wise enough to realize the comments were not real, but a condiluted statement from consuming a mind altering substance. That did not make any hurt any less though.

Now I understand he does not love me anymore. He does not want me. All of our memories, all of our plans, and everything we built together-- two and a half years are gone. It is desperately time for me to realize this and move on. It is just unbelievably hard for me to accept because I decided that once I gave my heart to someone, I would do anything possible to make it work; and I did. I tried so damn hard. After all of the horrendous examples of love and marriage I have witnessed throughout my life, I was going to take my relationship just as serious as my health and my career. But it takes two. I could not do it alone.

In true Liz Taylor, Fitness Blondie fashion, I am not going to write about my pain and invite everyone to my pity party without a plan of action.

There is one thing I have needed to do for a long time, but it breaks my heart to do it.

I am leaving my gym.

One is maybe scratching their head after that statement not understanding why that is a big deal, but with fitness being the biggest passion of my life, my gym means so much to me. For 4 years, I have been to that place 5-6 days a week. I love my gym. It is home to me. Home is where the heart is, and that gym is my home.

Since I moved to Charlotte 4 1/2 years ago, it is the one place that has been my rock. I remember when that gym was nothing but a concrete foundation. I watched it turn from nothing to a 3-story fitness facility, as I lived right beside of it. I joined there before it opened and I was there training the day it did. I worked there for 6 months. I made tons and tons of friends. I met my ex there. Even the worst of days improved to me when I stepped into that place. I lost myself there. I discovered myself there. I lost 65 pounds there. That gym means so damn much to me, and yesterday I had to let go. Though it is right beside of my apartment - across the parking lot and I am in a contract, I cancelled my membership.

The reason is because since my breakup nearly a year ago, I have had to see my ex almost every single day. I have had to see a person who I used to sleep beside of every night pretend like I do not exist... and like he could not care less. I tried to stay strong; but I can't. It has eaten away at my soul and my joy more than I ever thought possible. I have cried during my workouts more times than I care to admit, Saturday at the gym I lost it so bad that it carried on the rest of the day and throughout my evening out, I knew I was reaching a breaking point and I had to make this change. I know he would never leave the gym because he loves it so much, nor would I want him too.

The positive side to leaving my gym is I am going to be adding a lot more variety to my training ;which I think will really kick start my weight loss again. I only have 30 more pounds to go. I bought a two week pass to a boxing facility; once that expires, I have a two week pass for hot yoga, I am trying a Pure Barre class, I am going to continue hiking, jog more on the beautiful greenway behind my home, and do my "Hot Mess Express" workout more - that plyometric, full body workout, works me harder than anything. Luckily, the gym at my apartment is very nice and I will do my weight circuits there until I decide on a new gym to lift.

I hope-- I desperately hope implementing those changes will help me get over the bulk of my anxiety and depression. There are still quite a few other issues going on in my life, but I feel if I can get over this pain and heartache, my mind and emotional state will improve significantly which will give me the strength to get through the other problems.

I desperately want a new beginning. I want to feel free again. I want to feel like myself. My heart has been in chains for so long. I need strength to keep pursuing my dreams, I need hope, I need joy. I need faith. I am so low in all of those essential feelings. Back in the summer when I wrote the post "Lost Within Myself", so many of you sent the most heartfelt and inspirational stories about moving on from heartache. They helped me a lot, and I pray that one day I will the same story to tell the world. I want to pull through this and be a better and stronger woman that I ever felt possible. Right now it feels like I am going to sulk in this sorrow for the rest of my days. I feel like such a broken person. It is time for me to once a for all move on and close this chapter.

"If don't catch my breath,  I may never breathe again,  so just know this:
I've never been so torn up in all of my life,  I can't believe I let myself break down.
I've never been so torn up in all of my life, I should have seen this coming. I've never felt so hopeless, Than I do tonight. I don't wanna do this anymore...
I've never been so torn up in all of my life, I should have seen this coming. I've never felt so hopeless, Than I do tonight. No I don't wanna do this anymore, I'm moving on."