I Don't Want to Die a Dreamer.

August 20, 2013

As I sit here, a million thoughts are racing through my mind. I just hope I am able to translate the words from my brain onto my keyboard and not sound like a complete idiot. I have been fighting an inner battle. I have been fighting it overall for about a year, but it is has been more taxing than it ever has over the past couple of weeks.

It is about having a career.

I am the type of person who thrives on accomplishment. I am a natural born extrovert and my zodiac sign is a Leo. I know a lot of people do not necessarily agree with "sign's" but those two words describe me to a fault. I have always been hyper, happy, peppy, and nonstop. I have had big, big dreams since I was a child, too. My first love was singing. Then I fell in love with writing stories and plays, and acting them out. When I was 14 I discovered "My Space". I made an account and saw all of these beautiful women and models who had public pages. I wanted to be just like them. That is when I fell in love with makeup and being in front of a camera. I knew without a doubt that there were four careers that I wanted to do in life: sing, act, write, and/or model. I would not be happy doing nothing else. I knew without a doubt what I wanted to do in life. But I was young! I had plenty of time.

Now here I am 24 years old and I do none of those things. I am just an "ordinary girl" from a tiny town in North Carolina. I was not a part of the rich elite, did not have any connections to the "business", nor support behind me to do something out of the ordinary like that. Why would something like that happen to a girl like me? What the hell would make me so special? People like me from places where I am from, do not "make it big". You graduate high school, hopefully get a college degree, work a 8-5 job, get married, have babies, raise them, and the end. There is nothing wrong with that, at all. But who is to say that is for everyone?

As I am looking back now, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to work harder. I wish I could tell myself that if you want something in life, no matter how out of reach it may seem, work your ass off to get it. It doesn't matter what ANYONE thinks. If you fail, at least you tried.

When I was 17, life changed drastically. My mom divorced my extremely abusive step-dad, we moved out, and she had been diagnosed with MS. If you do not know what MS is, then you should really look it up. It is a God awful disease with no cure. My mom can't get out bed a lot of days. Walking to the bathroom is a task. Can't walk without a cane. Can't be in the sunlight because it hurts her skin. Can't work. Can't travel. It's a heartbreaking disease to watch someone you love go through.

So I put any crazy dreams I had aside so I could live with my mom, help her, work, and go to college. It was extremely draining. I was driving 45 minutes each way to work a minimum wage job, a full time college schedule, and helping take care of my mom and our home.

In 2010, when I was 20, she and her boyfriend that she has been dating since March of 2007 decided they were going to get married. She told me to go. Move to a big city, get a good job, and enjoy life. (I hated living in my hometown). So that I did. I was burned out with college, my minimum wage job, and I wanted a new start.

So March 15th, 2010, I got an apartment, and started a full time job as a Risk Manager. It was good pay considering I did not finish my degree and paid for my own place, but I was as miserable as they come. I worked in a basement of a huge internet company. It was a 5 story building and I literally worked in a basement with no windows. That alone is depressing. Not to mention, that the leadership was awful, everyone there hated what they were doing, and my supervisor just did not like me. One time she "wrote me up" for emailing her in a font that was hurt her eyes to read. She replied back for me to change the font and email her the same email again.

After a YEAR of applying for jobs until I bled, interviewing, and a lot of heartache. I obtained a new job. And this new job was my savior. When my VP called me to offer me the job, I cried and cried and cried. It is where I currently work now. It was significantly higher pay, half a mile from my apartment, and in a beautiful corporate park.

Taking the job was a little risky because it was a start up holding company, but the CEO/founder of my company is brilliant. He was CEO for one of the biggest businesses in the US, retired, and started the company I now work at... for fun. Things seem great, right?

Nope. Not in the least.

Working for a "start up" company is exhausting. It was rewarding, for the first year, but now it's just down right taxing. Explaining my job would take 10 years, so I will not get into that, but the summary is, I create business plans. It's just me, Excel, Word, and Powerpoint most days. We have no solid leadership. My CEO is retired, and just started this company for my VP to run so he is not involved in a lot of things. My VP has never been a leader before and is also our main "sale's guy". My Office Manager took on another full time job at her old company because her job here is so unsteady. Our Customer Service Rep quit, our Marketing Manager now handles half of customer service (she has never worked in a customer service setting before and my gosh does it show) AND works in our warehouse. Our IT guy now managers one our lawn care business. Really, an IT guy managing LAWN CARE? I have now taken over the other half Customer Service, a lot of the HR and Administration duties, and still creating business plans for potential businesses when my VP and/or CEO have a potential business venture.

We are all over the place. There is no structure. There is no leadership. It is pure chaos. Every day is constant battle trying to figure out problems and deal with angry clients. Not to mention, there is no automation here, all orders, Invoicing, everything is MANUAL. I never would have envisioned that this company would have turned out to be this way. We have had ample "come to Jesus" meeting's and nothing has changed. We had to leave our office in the corporate park this past December, and moved to an office space that is 75% smaller. It is so small, that I hear everyone when they go to the bathroom to pee. My desk is right beside of the bathroom. Lucky me, right? Most days though, it is just me in our office. Everyone else works from home on crazy schedules, but they needed one person "to hold the fort down" and that person is me. The youngest, the least experienced. I don't have to dress up, I literally come in my workout clothes because I workout everyday after work. You would think one would LOVE that, but I am telling you, after 8 months of it - it gets old. Some of the things I deal with on a daily basis are not getting paid. Yep, illegal right?! It happens. My Office Manager has "forgotten" to run payroll three times over the past 10 pay periods. It literally just happened to me Friday. Also, my internet and phone are constantly going in and out. I cannot tell you how many dropped calls, hang up's, unfinished projects, plans, and orders I have to encounter on a daily basis. And I complain, I beg for help, and resolutions until I am blue in the face, but nothing ever happens. What more can you do?

I could apply for a new job. I have been at my current employer for 2 1/2 years. I have given it a fair run. But would I really be happy? In the bottom pit of my heart and soul, I do not think I was created for the 8-5 desk job. There is truly nothing about the corporate world that interests me. BUT the corporate world, the 8-5 job is what pays the bills. I would rather work in a department store to be honest. I love being around people, running around all day, and working crazy hours. I would just make a fraction of what I do now. So what the hell am I meant to do? What is my purpose in this life? What is my calling?

I broke down last Thursday night. I am talking a private meltdown, crying on my knees, praying and begging to God, trying to figure out how I can make a change in my life. Last week was awful. I was in tears all day, everyday. A lot of my Blogger friends now that Marquis is an entrepreneur, I am fortunate enough to have a man that loves me, and wants to buy a business for me to run. That is great and something I am very open too, but it takes time. I also want something for ME. Something that I worked hard on, that my blood and sweat created.

I love working out. The gym is my savior. I blast my music, get lost in it, and forget about the world. It truly is my therapy. When I am in the gym and I get lost in my music, it's like I go into a fantasy land. I dream about the writing I have always wanted to do - becoming a best selling author, singing - winning a Grammy, acting, and modeling. I think all of the things that I have ever truly wanted in life. The music helps me picture myself living my dreams. And those dreams, being able to be lost in them at the gym for so many years now, have kept me going. My dreams of what I could one day be, helped me get through every single battle I have ever had in my life. Those dreams I have give me hope. But now it's starting to break my heart, because I feel like I am going to die a dreamer. I am going to look back at my life when I am 50 years old and realize that I never went for anything that I truly wanted. Time goes by so quickly, and here I am at 24 years old, and not having gone for any of it. I live for 5 o'clock. I live for Friday evening. And my God, I don't want that as my life.

So I have decided I am going to try to put my energy, my creativity, and my heart into writing a novel. It's a little embarrassing telling people you have a dream to do something out of the ordinary, but oh well.I love to write. It has been something that I have thoroughly enjoyed my entire life. My imagination is crazy, colorful, and all over the place, and I constantly have ideas. My grandmother and sister have told me over the past year that I need to write. Hearing them say that is pretty incredible. I started a weight loss blog in 2010 chronicling my journey and helping others, and because of that idea I had I have been on the radio, Fitness Magazine, Bodybuilding.com, and The Huffington post. But now I want more. I decided to just go for it. I have made it my mission to at least finish a book. I may not the best at writing, I may not ever succeed, but I want to be able to look back and say: at least I tried.

I have always had the biggest fascination with the Mafia/Mob. Documentaries, movies, anything, you name it and I wanted to watch it and act it out. "Scarface" and "The Departed" are movies I watch over and over and over again. So, I want to write my own series. With a twist. It isn't going to be your standard badass tale that you have read and watched over and over. But I have a lot I need to learn. Thus, I have ordered a couple of books and DVD's with documentaries. I already have 4 pages of ideas, scenarios, characters, plots, everything pouring through my head. I am going to work on researching and learning as much as I can about the history, culture, the past - everything, and then work on putting my story to life. All the while, I am still going to work at my job so I can have money for bills, savings, and life. I am just going to tell myself "this isn't forever. This is to get you by". And that is OK with me. If I know I am working towards a greater good in myself, it makes getting through the days easier and better.

Are you living out your dreams?


  1. You will figure it out, sweetie!!! keep the faith :)


  2. You should check out NaNoWriMo. I've done it the past couple of years and it's been really cool to put so much effort into writing and be able to track your progress and get support from others who are trying to do the same thing. http://nanowrimo.org/

  3. Oh, girl. I can not tell you how many times I have broken down about my career and where my life is going...or lack of knowledge of either of those. My degree is in real estate, and I don't even know if it is what I want to do anymore. My dream has always been to have my own store/boutique or a clothing line. I have no clue how to make either of those happen. I have worked jobs that I have come home crying nearly every night for months. I finally have one that doesn't make me cry and pays me decent...but I have those days where I just want to do my own thing. I want to LOVE what I do, not just tolerate it. If you found your passion, you go for it! Don't look back!

  4. Sometimes you just have to go for it and if you fail at least you tried! Many don't even try. So embrace it and go for it! Proud of you!

  5. I am so sorry you are going through all of that. I am with you I live for 12, 5 and Friday. You still have time to follow/ pursue your dreams and be anything you want. I hope the right thing opens up for you soon that you will love. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

  6. You are 24 years old...it is SO NOT too late my friend!! I think you should go to a headhunter and see if they can match you with a job more suited to your interests!

  7. You should always go after your dreams! I am a singer also! I love it. I have participated in various talent shows, big acting/singing competitions, sang in church my whole life, sang the national anthem at the court house, recorded some songs.... etc etc etc... but I still work my 8-5 job and haven't became a star! I would love to be a full time recording artist. But then sometimes I sit back and think would I really be able to handle that life style? It would be a lot to take on. Being away from my family, always busy 24/7, the traveling etc... Maybe one day it will happen though! Who knows?!

  8. I have a good way to help you get your dreams!! I'm in the same boat, moved 3 hours away from everything I knew at 24 to finish my college degree. Keep your head God is always on time!!

  9. Awe girl I know exactly how you feel!!! I feel much of the same way. Luckilly its not forever. I think you would make a great personal trainer. You are sooo dedicated and inspiring. Good luck on your book, I cant wait to read it!!!!

  10. You can totally do it! I feel the same way as you a lot of the time but have so many ideas and things I want to do it becomes overwhelming and I do nothing! Maybe I should just focus on one at a time:) Thanks for sharing, you're not alone!!

  11. Hi Liz, as a woman almost twice your age, I really admire your desire to chase down and accomplish your dreams. You will never regret it, but you would certainly regret if you didn't follow them. I too, started my blog because of my love of writing: I work as a literacy specialist in education. I hope to turn my blog into a book someday. =) Way to get a much earlier start than I did!

  12. Keep your head up girl! You're going to do amazing things, you just have to have the confidence and will to do it! In the end, when you reach your goal, it's going to be worth every sweat and tear. Good luck!

  13. Girl, I hear ya! I always question if I'm really doing what I want to be doing. I have a day job, but also teach group fitness on the side. And I always "wish" I could just teach group fitness and make a living teaching and training...which I totally COULD do, lots of people do it...but...oh well.


  14. Following your dreams is scary, but you are brave. I believe in you

  15. It's never too late! I feel like that too though, but I'm 27.

    I also feel like a joke, because I've literally changed my minds 128265 times and changed careers several times. I know there's people out there, who probably don't and can't take me seriously. They probably think my fitness thing is just my idea for the "moment" :-(

  16. I'm pretty sure you just explained my current situation perfectly, so I feel you. I'm debating changing careers or going to graduate school.

    Never be afraid to pursue your dreams. It always feels better to have a plan that makes you happy!

  17. Liz,

    I've gone through a lot of what you have. I lost my mom (and best friend) last year to cancer and I've got an autoimmune disease myself along with another disorder. I'm 27, engaged, and a LOT like you.

    I grew up in a pretty privileged area in the DC suburbs. Here, everyone graduates college, gets their master's degree, buys a house, and is married by 26. It's NUTS! And its hard not to compare myself some days.

    I'm a makeup artist. A poli sci student. An entrepreneur (for five years I owned a petsitting company). Beauty blogger. Bride-to-be. Aspiring domestic goddess.

    My advice: DREAM BIG! And you are! Growing up I wanted to do SO much- go into law, music, become an MUA, a dog walker, etc. And I'm doing all of that until I get through school and go on to law school. I want to have a few careers in my lifetime and refuse to be lumped in the category society has created where people feel like they have to have just one career.

    Do it all. You're inspirational and if you want kids one day, they'll be SO proud of you and happy you did all this for yourself. You seem lovely. Hopefully one day, you'll post some of your writing :) You can check out local community colleges that might offer audit writing classes or community center writing classes in your area. Craigslist and Meetup are also places to find writing groups and classes. Best of luck to everything you do!


    Twitter: @DarlingDivaMUA
    Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/darlingdivamakeup

  18. im really in tears while reading your post because I feel connected to it . I want to have a life other than being a mom and a wife. Im happy with my life right now with my kids and supportive husband, I cant trade them with anything in this world, but there is always in me yearning for self fulfillment, something that I can call my own and something that I really enjoy doing it .I don't like to settle on one place.I want to do more and I feel like yuour post speaks to me...to reach for your dreams and to trust yourself.Liz, you are a good writer, I enjoy reading your post, I may not comment everytime, but I always read your post, they are entertaing and you are a good story teller. Go for your dreams and I cant wait one day to read your first novel. Good luck and best wishes

  19. It is never too late to go after your dreams! And you are still YOUNG! I dream of opening my own clothing boutique, but right now I don't have the financing to start it. But I'm hoping to do it one of these days!

    The Tiny Heart
    Target Giveaway!

  20. Go for it, and do NOT give up until you reach it! Time flies, you are so right. As I read your blog and see you're 24 I think "oh she's my age, wait no I'm 27 now!" The years are flying by and they only go quicker and quicker. Can't wait to continue to read about your journey and accomplishments!

  21. Good for you! I wish I could do things like that, but when do I have the time? Don't get discouraged and don't listen to naysayers. Just do what you know is right for you. xoxo

  22. Wow. What a beautifully written post. Have no doubt in your skill, you a truly talented. I wish I could give you advice but I am in a very similar situation. I hate my job and know it is not my career but have no real sense of what I want to do. I have some ideas but taking that leap is a risk I don't know if I am willing to take. Likely I would end up quitting my job and going back to school which would be a HUGE DEAL.

    Know that I am here encouraging you and we can support each other through our journeys. Dream big and dare to fall girly :)

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  24. Love this! Hope you'll check out my blog at www.loveolia.com and follow on bloglovin!

  25. I dont think anyone our age has the career they want, its just not possible in this economy. Stay positive! You've come a long way!

  26. Loved reading this post! You are so inspiring.. You will definitely figure everything out, just stay positive :)

    Sincerely Miss Ash

  27. You should really look into the world of experiential marketing. It's what I do to pay the bills inbetween bookings and I make enough to get by and then some. Google "promotion staffing agency" or "brand ambassador."

    You'd be perfect for it!

  28. wow...how bad did I need this; last week; a month ago; today, yesterday...sounds like my life in some respects anyways. I have also been going back and forth and back and forth and even applying other places...what I really want to do just doesn't seem possible right now. And even though there are a few things...I know that one day God will show me the way I need to go to do what I want. I may just not be right at this moment. Keep living and pursue your dreams in any way you can girl! You can do it and I would love to read your novel. Just like one day I will become a psychologist and a trainer :) Hang in there! Praying for you and sending positive vibes your way!


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