Loneliness, Hard Work, and Giving Thanks

I am inundated with thoughts as I sit down to write this blog post. I am unsure how title it correctly; I want to write about my loneliness, finally working hard, and giving thanks for the new and surprising blessings in my life. It is always so easy to focus on the negative going on in our lives. I find myself doing that sometimes and I shouldn't. That is not how I operate. That is not how I live my life.

I am lonely a lot of times now. I would say I have been feeling this way for a little over a month. The "official" definition of 'lonely' is: being sad because one has no friends or company. I feel a bit dramatic calling myself that, but at times, it feels true. I am a natural born extrovert, but I enjoy being alone as well. However, when you live alone, you get a lot of time to be by yourself so I enjoy being around people when I can. It happens everyday at work and then everyday at the gym. A lot of times now, even though I am around a lot of people, I feel really alone. I am happy with my life - I am excited. I work constantly, be it at work or my weight loss journey, I am very productive, but I am lonely. I am not complaining, I am simply stating a fact. 

Here is a downfall about me: I have always worried more about a social life than working hard. When I started high school and all throughout my life since then, my social life has always come before anything. Since I dream so big and so hard, that is probably the worst things I could do. I have huge things I want to do and all of them are really, really hard. I want to become an author - write a memoir as well as fictional series, grow this blog and eventually create and sell fitness products (like a cookbook, fitness clothing, and fitness tools (health journals, exercise guides, etc), and travel doing motivational speeches. That is a lot of hard damn work right there. Obtaining those things is going to require a lot sacrifice, hard work, and long hours. Talk about "blood, sweat, and tears". For about a month now, for the first time in my life, I have really started working hard to accomplish those dreams.

And I realize what a lonely path I have chosen. 

However, I feel it is lonely in a good way though. There have been so many changes in my personal life right now, that I really can't keep up anymore. My father is terminally ill, his wife, my step-mother, just lost her sister, my mother is going through a lot of issues within herself and her life (which really breaks me down), and my grandmother is having such a hard time with my grandfather who recently fell into a glass table and broke his leg, knee, and cut his body really bad.  My immediate family has so much going on right now and so many issues of their own. Then there are friends. I am the type of person who considers friends, family. Growing up, I was always with my friends on holidays. I do not have a big family so I have always been a girl who is surrounded by a ton of friends. I am 24 years old - soon to be 25, and having friends now is not the same as it was a few years ago. Most everyone I know is engaged, getting married, and having children. They have their own lives and families now, and being a friend is not what it used to be. Then there are really close friends who change. There are friends who you love more than anything, you think you know them inside and out, and it turns out you really didn't. It's truly shocking when you love someone so much and one day you realize how little they love you. One of my good blogger friends Nadine said to me the other day "I really found out who my friends were in my 20's". 

With all of that being said, it has been a difficult transition for me over the past month. For the first time in my life, I am truly becoming independent and strong on my own to feet. I have lived alone and been financially independent since I was 20 years old, but I have always been surrounded by a big social circle. Now I am doing more things alone. I am not afraid to do that anymore like I used to be. If I want to do something, I don't depend on anyone, I go do it. I have been disappointed a lot lately. It is hard sometimes, but I know it has made me a stronger person.

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to do big things. It's easy to dream and I did plenty of it. That is all I have done my entire life. My dreams were always pushed to the side though because it requires so much hard work. I had the ideas, but I did not want to sacrfice anything to obtain them. I was too caught up in the "now". What was I doing this weekend? What are we doing tonight? Plan this trip, plan that trip. That was all that mattered to me.

Now I want all of that to change.

I am beginning to understand that if I throw myself into my work, make sacrifices now, and at least try for all of these dreams and aspirations I have, in the future, I will be able to do all of the "fun" things I want. I remember when I was 18 years old, I was working at a typical corporate company part-time while I was going to school. I only lasted there 3 months, I hated it. Everyday there, people looked miserable. They complained constantly about their jobs and lives, they gossiped a lot about each other, and lived for Friday. I don't want my life to end up that way. And if I don't, I have to do something about it.

Thankfully, my current job keeps growing. I have been at my company over 6 months now. This job changed my life. The story of how I landed this position is a crazy one... and someone up above was looking out for me when I got it. Obtaining this job launched my weight loss journey and really helped me believe in myself after I had forgotten what that was like. I feel a part of something bigger than myself, I am stimulated, challenged, and motivated. I am given immense freedom and creativity, and I am getting assigned bigger and bigger projects and tasks. I want to keep growing and improving myself there, losing weight, and working on my other plans (such as this blog, of course) at night and on the weekends. For the first time in my life, that is what I have been doing and even though it is really lonely, I feel like if I keep working hard and trying, something big will finally happen.

That leads me to giving thanks, even though my heart is heavy a lot of times. I am thankful to have this change in my personal life because it is very new to me. Sometimes I have wanted to break down, and the tears have flown, but I refuse to let it tear me apart. I am seeing this "loneliness" as a time to better myself and finally try for the life that I feel is meant for me.

What a whirlwind of a week!

Hello Friday. Hello blog. I am exhausted.

I mentioned on Sunday that I would be a little MIA due to a nonstop week at work. It turned out to be busier than I thought. I have been planning a big company event for over a month now. I have done it all myself, too. Which I love that my President gives me that freedom. Event planning is serious business though; one can easily forget about all of the trivial details that you need to pay attention too! Thankfully, it all wonderfully came together. I did all of it in heels, too. My feet are swollen today. 

Monday was a pretty normal day. A little busier than usual, but not too bad. I worked out after and made sure to get in bed early. Tuesday, the chaos began. Executives were coming into town, all of the department managers were finishing presentations and needing assistance, I had to put packets together, and the list could go on. One of fun tasks on my to-do list? Shopping for the strategic meeting dinner for Wednesday. I do the shopping - I do the choosing, ha!

Wednesday was a long, long day. I worked 13 hours. It was the day before our event. I spent most of the day at my bosses farm home about an hour south of Charlotte in rural, SC. The executives were there for an offsite strategic planning meeting. I was there assisting, recording meeting minutes, and other random things. My President told me that he wanted me to create and run a blog for the company that will act as a liaison between clients, potential clients, and employees. I was very surprised to hear that, but how fitting, huh? I am so, so excited about this and I hope to "blow it out of the water". I will absolutely be putting my heart and soul into that for sure - more on that next week. Around 3PM I left the farm house, drove back Charlotte, ran some errands, did a run through of the event at the hotel, helped setup, then drove back to farm house in SC. After the meeting finished, we grilled out and enjoyed the beautiful weather.

Wednesday night I finally got to bed close to midnight. Oy. Yesterday was the big company event! I found my favorite headband that has been missing for about two months so I had to wear it. I knew then that it was going to be a good day. 

The meeting went great. The hotel was incredibly beautiful, we had a wonderful view, and stellar service. I did not want it to end. We had creative presentations, team building activities, games and prizes, and I felt like it really brought us together as a company. I am really tired, but I will miss all of the planning and meetings that went along with this. 

Now I'm ready to knock out this day at work and get some rest and relaxation this weekend. Plus catch up on your guys blogs. Don't forget about my Quest Nutrition giveaway going on right now! Get your entries in!

All About My Week: Exhausted!

Whew.

It is Friday evening and my week is done. I am deliriously tired. It has been a nonstop, crazy, busy, but productive and positive week. I have worked nonstop between my job and the gym.

The majority of my week was devoted to setting up, running, and being involved at a leadership workshop for management; and then a communication workshop for employees. It was 3 all-day events that required a lot of preparation. My role is steadily growing at work and I truly could not be more thrilled. However, that combined with my weight loss journey gets exhausting, but I push on. I know it's worth it.

The workshops were Wednesday, Thursday, and today. Monday and Tuesday I spent majority of my days handling the logistics of everything. Part of that was purchasing refreshments for morning and afternoon breaks. Look at this pure torture that was in my car...

I did pretty good at staying away from most it; but I did sneak a brownie bite... or two. Ha. Tuesday afternoon as I was putting all of the pamphlets together and organizing our meeting rooms, I decided to get a little creative. I could tell a few of the department manager's were not looking forward to the workshops so I put an inspirational business related quote with the binders. It may be cheesy, but I like it. Others did as well.

Wednesday was day one of the management workshop. I of course, had to look my best. I also wore my new shirt that I have had for a week and worn probably 4 times now, ha. I can't help it, it has quickly turned into my favorite! The leadership workshop was really fun to me. I thrive in group settings especially when discussing business. I am the youngest manager by a long shot at my company; so I really made a point to ensure I was assertive and participate. People noticed. It was great!

Today was probably the most exhausting of days. All of the overtime from the week was catching up with me and I had a lot to do. After my morning meeting with my President, I took off to a 5-star hotel down the road from my office to negotiate with a sales manager about renting one of their ballrooms for my company's big quarterly meeting next month. We worked everything out and I cannot be more excited to hold our event here. The place is called "The Ballantyne Hotel". It is absolutely beautiful! The President stayed there when he was in Charlotte last year. We have a great room with a gorgeous view. I think everyone will really enjoy it.

This afternoon I picked up my new guitar. I have sang and written music my entire life. I played piano for 5 years also when I younger; but I did not enjoy it. I always wanted to play the guitar, but my parents would not let me. I have no idea why. For a few years I pondered the idea of playing the acoustic guitar but did nothing about it. Then this past Christmas time the thought of learning to play was eating me alive; but I still did not pursue it. However, now I feel it is the time.

The main reason I want to do it is for some emotional fulfillment. I am healing from my break up; it's been 6 months now, but it is still really hard on me at times. I live away from all of my family as well. Plus I live alone. I have a lot of friends, all of whom I absolutely adore, but sometimes I feel like something is still missing. There is still a hole in my heart. Exercising is my favorite hobby to do; but one can only train so much. I am very grateful and have a very full life with my job, weight loss and training, friends and going out, but I need to have something that I truly love - that relaxes me but still gives me hope. Something to ease my mind. Right now that is not a man or a partner. I feel it's music. Music was my first love in life; but it scares me because I do love it so much. As I have been healing from my break up, losing weight again, and adjusting to the abundance of changes in my life, I have written many, many songs. I have a voice to go with the songs, now I just need to the instrument to bring everything together. I have my first lesson this upcoming Thursday and I truly can't wait. I want to be the female version of Aaron Lewis. This video here moves me like no other. The day I post a video of me singing and playing this song will be the day all of my dreams come true, ha!

I am off to pick up dinner then start learning on my guitar a little bit. Have a great weekend everyone.

It has been a really weird week (Friday 5)

We are at another Friday. Thank goodness. One of my best friends is coming down to stay the weekend with me, which of course I am excited about, but I am most excited about sleeping in. (Ha, love you Jen!) This week has been okay, but just... odd. I think it's mainly due to my own mental state. I can be pretty crazy, I suppose.

Sunday night, (1)I got an email from my step-mom telling me my dad is not doing well. My father has been battling cancer since basically 2006. It isn't curable, it is in his bones and keeps spreading. In November he started having really bad seizures. The doctor's did MRI's and found a brain tumor. To me, that was not a huge deal. He also had a brain tumor in September of 2011, the doctor's removed it via surgery, and dad lead a mostly normal life. That was all they would need to do again. He went in for surgery the week before last and the doctor's could not remove the tumor. The MRI was wrong (that only happens 15% of the time - my family's luck) and the tumor was too far into his brain to be removed. Since the surgery he keeps going back to Duke for more and more tests. As of right now, there are not a lot of options to help him and he continues to have seizures regularly. 

That broke me down. I have never had to deal with death before. I am 24 years old and my father is dying of cancer and my mother is sick with MS - both incurable. And I'm getting really damn bitter. I'm single, live alone, have no partner to be my rock during these times, and I was getting so mad at God. I'm too young to lose them. My father will most likely never walk me down the aisle or see a grandchild (I am his only child). It's just really hard. However, instead of asking "why me", I have to look at is "why not me". This is life. This free will... things like this happen. And I know there a lot of people out there who have never had parents or lost their parents way before I will. I know many, many people have it much worse than I do, it's just hard to look at the big picture like that sometimes. I apologized for blaming God and I am just trying to be the best daughter I can. My dad loves "The Beatles" so I have a DVD on the way to his house for him. I'm sure that will make him cheer up, at least a little.

That's all I want to say about that. I hate even talking about it on my blog. I just really think that is what threw me off this week. You guys have been so supportive and loving and I really appreciate it. Moving on...

(2) I am still trucking along on my weight loss journey. Finally I am starting to feel differences in my clothing. For a while I noticed differences naked and on the scale, but clothes - not so much. I am wearing shirts and jeans that have been put a way for a long time. I am really excited about the below white shirt. I love to wear white, but when my stomach and arms became bigger, I avoided it like the plague. I go for my weigh in later today and truth be told, I will be happy to be down a pound. I wanted to completely kick ass this week, but it didn't happen. I did good, but not as good as I should have.

Tuesday morning, I was still an emotional mess. My adorable angel, Marty was being so clingy. I could not get ready without him rubbing up against my legs wanting attention. (3) I was an awful mom. I was getting irritated with him and yelled at him because he almost tripped me up. On my way to work, I was in tears because I yelled at him. Am I psycho or what? It was eating away at me because I love my cat so much and I would never yell at him. I went home on my lunch and played with him then bought him catnip. When I got home from the gym Tuesday night, I let the water run from the sink (his favorite in the world) extra long as well. I think he has since forgiven me.

Wednesday I was a (4) I was so proud of my steal at GNC. As a lot of my fitness girls know, Quest Bar now has a new flavor out: cookies and cream. I for one am obsessed with it. It is absolutely delicious. So of course I needed to add a few to my stash at work. They were buy 3 get 1 free, my pre-workout (Lipo 6x black - I hate taking powder) was on sale, I had a $10 off my total purchase coupon, and they gave me a lot of free samples! I saved so much money. I was extremely proud! I love saving money, ha!

All of that prompted for a kick ass work out at the gym later. I started core workout's twice a week a couple of weeks ago, and I am really pleased at how strong I am getting. I stopped doing core work for a long time. There is no real reason as to why I stopped, but I know I needed to get back to it. Planks are becoming easier and I go longer... it's been a great feeling.

(5)Yesterday I had my 90-day review with my HR mentor and my boss. It is hard to believe that I have been with my company for 90 days. Do you guys remember me telling you the incredible story of how I even came about this job? If not, read it here. It was really and truly fate and God's work. My boss took me out to a delicious lunch, we had the review, and things are great. This job saved me in many ways. Even if some of my employee's are mad at me because the new shipment of paper towels does not have designs on them! (I am not even joking)

I got my booty up bright and early this morning to get some cardio before work. My best friend and I hate working out first thing but we pushed through!

I have my vitamin injection and weigh in at 12:45 so wish me luck, After work, I am getting in a lift session at the gym, then wait for Jen to get into town. Don't forget to link up today! I hope you guys have a great weekend! 

Twas the week before Christmas and it's been nonstop!

Hello my loves! How is everyone doing this week? My week has been fantastic but nonstop. But now that I think of it, when is it ever? It is a good thing I am a naturally hyper person, otherwise I would not be able to keep up. I am stoked the Friday is almost here and that it will be another two weeks before I have a full work week again. Christmas and New Years will be here in the blink of an eye so that is wonderful and I am getting my hair done tonight - touching up my roots and getting the red streaks re-added. Ah! I am so happy, lots of awesome things going on!

I bought a new table last week. I found it on Craigslist for $60. I then found two chairs on Amazon for $43 plus free two-day shipping with my Amazon prime. To complete my dining room, I needed to find the perfect centerpieces which I showed you guys on Sunday from the weekend blog entry. That totaled only $25. My chairs unfortunately arrived late so I did not receive them until Monday (it was supposed to be Friday) thankfully, I have an amazing boss who put them together for me! It was hilarious seeing the president of my company in a suit and tie putting together dining room chairs in his office. 

Since I am a diva on a budget, I am excited to say my dining room is finally complete and I only spent $128.00 on all of my dining attire!

I go to my wellness clinic on Monday's to receive my B12 injection. Since I have been back on track 100% with health and fitness and just overall trying to improve myself from a rough year, I have them weigh me. I lost 3.5 pounds last week! My total pounds down in the last 21 days= 14.1! How amazing. I am so excited! I cannot wait to keep going. I feel so damn good. I feel better about myself than I have in a long, long time.

I know my muscle is looking semi pathetic, but I have lost a lot of fat in them. My arms are a big trouble spot for me, along with my lower stomach, so seeing this progress means a lot!

My company had our holiday luncheon and 2014 benefits meeting yesterday. Since I am the Office mom, I mean manager, I had to order the food, set up everything, and then clean it all. Our company has 50 employees and cleaning up after Hurricane "Holiday lunch" was absolutely exhausting. Thankfully it went smoothly, we had a lot of fun, everyone brought delicious holiday desserts (that I did NOT partake in), and our company is growing. I was proud of my decor!

We had a local italian company cater pizza for our luncheon today and everyone brought a holiday dessert. I normally let myself have two "cheat meals" a week so I decided to make yesterday one of them. Usually my "cheat meals" are like a steak and bleu salad from Panera or a grilled chicken panini - nothing too heavy or crazy. However, I love pizza and I hear good things about this company so I decided to go for it. I had two slices of mushroom and cheese pizza and I. was. miserable. I do not eat a lot of carbohydrates. I certainly do not deprive myself, but I just do not want to eat them. After I ate, I was literally falling asleep. I absolutely hated the way I felt. My body is clean of the grease and toxins now, so I just felt crappy after. Most days I have a vegetarian meat substitute (such as GardenIn products) for lunch and a side of vegetables. I feel extremely energetic after, I never crash or get fatigued, but I did today. Luckily, I was so miserable after that I did not partake in the desserts. I will save my treats for my mother's amazing treats on Christmas! Before this was never me. And seeing these changes are absolutely incredible.

Last weekend I decided to get groceries at Target since I was there getting a lot of other things anyway. I was so surprised, the prices are fantastic and they had a lot of items that I was not familiar with. One of them being a flat bread with brie and balsamic vinegar. Holy mother of tastebuds, it was the most delicious flat I have ever eaten! Half of it is only 350 calories and it goes perfect with a side salad. If you have a Target near you, go try it ASAP! 

That is all I have for now!